To say it's been a while since I've done this blog thing is a rather decent understatement. Comparable to me thinking the single working mom thing would be a bit tough.
Life. It's busy. It's stressful. It's difficult doing all of this on my own. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm broke as hell. I bust my ass from the time my alarm goes off at 6:10am till I fall into bed each night sometime after 10pm (and even then, rarely is there a night when my children aren't up in the middle of the night for one reason or another). I can't remember the last time I did something even resembling my former hobbies... though I aspire to. I long to find the time and maybe, just maybe, once I'm organized and my house is clean and I'm caught up on paperwork... and my children are in college... I will.
But here's the funny thing. I've never been happier. Never felt stronger. Never been more sure of myself than I am at this moment. Because I'm doing this. I'm handling it and surviving it despite it all and, in that, I'm becoming my own person. A much stronger person. And that's a really, really good thing. And though this whole thing is hard as hell (even that may be an understatement), I'm incredibly optimistic about my future.
I keep saying I'm doing this all on my own. I suppose that is not totally true. Yes, I'm a single mom and yes, each day I take care of my kids and my house and my job and my life all on my own physically. But emotionally I am anything but alone. That's one thing I've found in all of this. In the life I lived preceding this one, I was very private and rarely let anyone in. Not really, truly in. I didn't talk about my problems, my unhappiness, my anything that wasn't happy-go-lucky. It wasn't until shortly before my marriage ended that I really started to talk with my girlfriends and my family. And after the split, when I found that I couldn't do it all on my own and keep sane, I discovered how much people really wanted to be there for me. And slowly I learned how to humble myself to ask for and accept help. Slowly I started to open up the truth of my world to others. Select others. And in those darkest of days following the split, when sometimes I wasn't sure I had the strength to make it through, that I'd been tested too heavily and was failing, I realized I could turn to my girls and my family and they were there to listen. And each and every time, they lifted me back up and set me on my feet and reminded me that I could handle all of this. That I was handling all of this. And that all I really had to do was put one foot in front of the other and take things one day at a time. And so I did. And with each step, each moment, each day that I survived it, I grew. And so too did those relationships.
Through our trials we find our true self. I've learned so much from all of this. Come so much further than I ever thought I could in this first year and a half since the split. I'm growing into the sort of woman I always wanted to be- the woman I portrayed on the outside. Except now it's inside too. And it's real. It's me.
And Amongst the Ashes, I Found Myself
Mirroring Life
I've said many times when discussing the creation of artwork with people, it's not so much the end result, but the process of creation that makes a piece of art what it is. In the beginning, you have an idea, an inspiration. You sit before your canvas, drawing out your lines, creating, erasing, smudging, changing over and over, until in the end what you have before you may be nothing at all like you originally envisioned- and yet it is ten million times better because of the process you took to get there. It reflects you and the inspiration you felt far more than that original mental picture. And because of this, it is in fact far greater. And that is what makes it art.
Life itself follows this same path. We begin in our youth with a rosy little picture of what we want our lives to someday be like. Then that vision meets with the real world, faces challenge, rejection, love, loss, a million new moments of inspiration and we change our path over and over, deviating slightly- or vastly- from the plan. As we create our future, we learn, we grow, we change, we erase and smudge... we falter sometimes, lamenting in the fact that our lives are nothing at all like we envisioned the would be. The downfall comes in our inability to step back and see that though it's not at all like we'd once planned, what we have created is so often so much more amazing than what we originally envisioned. And the end piece is made up of so much more than just what we see- so much of life, like art, is the journey we take.
Don't get lost in the original vision and fail to see what you've created. Remember once in a while to take a step back. And remember, you are still creating...
My life in boxes now...
Packing up my life again… it’s been emotional each time. Last summer I left my marital home to go out on my own for the first time. Now I pack up my little rental house, the first place I called my own and experienced life alone, and I move away from the town that has been a part of my life since my college years. I truly am closing the door on that time. It’s difficult. Bittersweet. I leave behind a lot; Memories of half my lifetime. I am only moving an hour away, but that’s not the point. This move is symbolic of me and my fresh start. It’s both exciting and frightening and I find myself teary eyed often as I pack my life away into boxes and bins. I’m fortunate that my family starts hitting town in just a few hours- it will be nice to have them here, not just to pack and move furniture.
My children are excited about the move. Zan has known for ages that he would move when he was six (projected date his father’s degree completion) and so this was totally expected to him. In fact, as time grew closer to his new age, he would ask when we were moving. He turned six yesterday. We move Saturday. They’re both excited. They like the new house and the idea of new surroundings. I don’t think they fully grasp what this means as far as how often they’ll see their father. I’m hoping they’ll handle it okay. It may be a rough summer.
This last week has been an emotional one anyway, having unexpectedly lost someone I consider family. Throw that into the mix with all the emotions I’m feeling over the move and you’ve got yourself one fun weekend. I’m sure I’ll need a beer... or three.
On the Move... Again
I did start this blog with the hopes of actually updating it more frequently than I do. Sadly, this is not the case. I have high hopes that one day it will be. Darn life for always getting in the way.
In brief, this is my life- my divorce was finalized a few months back, my house was sold a few weeks later. I'm venturing out into the single world, gingerly so, knowing that it's a scary and unfamiliar place, but that it will be fun too.Trying out this dating thing- what a world that is!!! Single motherhood is still rough, but I'm adjusting. Exhausted, but adjusting. I'm also in the process of moving closer to work- which will add over 2 hours to my day and (at this point) about $600 a month to my bank account. My lease there started this month and my lease here ends after the first week of June. I'm slowly moving a ton of stuff and reorganizing my life yet again. Leaving Champaign-Urbana is bittersweet for many reasons. I look back at my life one year ago and think how far I have come... then I look ahead and know how far I have yet to go. But I know I can handle it, come what may. I've already made it this far, haven't I?
It's Been A While
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Of this I am well aware. I’m still just trying to find a balance between working full time and doing the single mom thing, dealing with legal stuff from the divorce and the house, taking on too much as always and still trying to live life to the fullest without killing myself off, LOL. I promise to be back on soon. Life is slowly getting better. Thanks for staying tuned.
He's Just Not That Into You
I’m reading that book right now. You know, the one they made that cute little movie out of where everyone seems to be learning the hard way that they shouldn’t be with the person they’re crushing on. It was a gift from my best friend of 16 years. Her token of wisdom (among many) for my foray into the frightening world of singledom. It was also one of the last books she read before she found her Mr. Right.
Not that I’m looking for Mr. Right at this moment mind you. Really, I’d be quite happy with Mr. Let’s Go Camping and Then Watch the Sunrise Together While Drinking Our Coffee or Mr. Let’s Share a Beer and Hotwings While We Get To Know Each Other Better (just make sure that beer isn’t a Bud Light because I’ve got plenty of that in my fridge and I don’t have to put on make up to drink it).
It’s an interesting read this little book. A glimpse into the male mind when it comes to dating. And apparently it’s a glimpse I need, because I’m learning a lot!! For instance, did you know that even though the year is 2010, a girl is not supposed to ask a guy out? Yeah, you heard that right- I find a guy I like, I think “gee, I’d like to go out for a drink and get to know him better some time, I should ask him to do that.” WRONG!!! Apparently this is a turn off for men. They like the pursuit, the chance to catch you. Catch me? Really? I didn’t even realize I was in season! I’m thinking this particular “rule” will be one of the most problematic to me. I’m pretty modern and pretty forward. I don’t like to play games. Honestly, I think they’re irritating and a bunch of BS. If you know me well, you know I don’t sit around and wait for stuff. The way I’ve gotten everything that I have in my life is by going after it. I want something, I figure out what I need to do to get it and then I bust my ass doing it. I don’t sit around waiting for it to come to me! Waiting = wasting in my book. I’m a planner, a doer; I just don’t sit around and wait. I just don’t. That’s REALLY not me. So what then is a girl like me to do? Compromise my ways? I’m kind of touchy about that sort of thing lately…
The co-author of this book is a woman and she’s very much like me in her thinking. She too has gone after all that she’s wanted in her professional life and treated her dating life the same. I’m reading her section, agreeing with all she says and thinking, “Yeah, Liz, so what do we do?” I’m hoping she has an answer that doesn’t mean I have to change my way of thinking, when she says, “But guess what- My way? Has sucked. Hasn’t worked at all.” And all I could think, in a very unladylike fashion, was “Well shit.”
The thing is, I’m not all that girly and I don’t like to follow the girly rules. Don’t get me wrong, I love a cute skirt and a pair of heels like most of the female population- and I take special joy in finding just the right jewelry to go with an outfit. And yes, my toes are always neatly painted. But as a kid I was a tomboy. Growing up I got along better with the guys than the girls. I hung out with my brother and his friends, went hiking, camping and fishing with my family, and was always up a tree somewhere. I didn’t change all that much as I grew older, though I learned how to use makeup (pictures show this to be a LONG learning process) and my female friend circle widened a good deal. Still, I tend to be bawdy in my humor, coarse with my language and strong in my mindset that I can do anything a man can do- and two other things at the same time. I’ve never been the woe-is-me, damsel in distress kinda girl. Um, yeah, screw that. That’s not what my parents raised me to be. I’m a strong willed, opinionated, highly competitive, do-it-yourself kinda girl and I’ve grown into that even more since I’ve gone out into the world on my own. And it serves me well for the most part.
And so it seems to me that this rule is going to pose a problem for me. A big one. It’s not that I don’t think it would be fun to be wooed by a boy. Quite the contrary. I do like the idea of that quite a bit. I just don’t like the idea of sitting around thinking “Gee I hope Joe Schmoe likes me,” sighing and batting my eye lashes and being all wishy-washy WAITING for him to maybe, just maybe, call me. Just the thought of it irritates the bejeezus out of me. And it really annoys me, this whole double standard of how it’s cool for a guy to ask a girl out but not vice versa. This is not the 1940s. Am I seriously going to have to compromise just so that I don’t offend a boy? And do I even want to be with a guy whose ego is so easily bruised? I honestly don’t know.
I am, however, quite curious to know if this really IS how guys are. It’s tempting just to test this theory, since for a while I figure I pretty much won’t care about truly catching a man (are THEY in season?). It brings back out the psychologist in me. I want to do studies, pass out surveys, monitor brain waves and dopamine response, LOL. It also makes me wish I were more like my best friend, who would tease the hell out of any boy who acted so silly. All I know is that I apparently have a LOT to learn about men and have got to decide just how much I am willing to compromise to have one. And right now, the answer to that is “not all that much.”
From House to Home
I have had a few requests (honestly, I am always shocked that you people read this thing) for an update and some pics of the new place.
I’ve done a lot to my little house since I took possession back in mid-July and moved in mid-August. And by I what I really mean is WE- the we being my fabulous family. Two and a half months of cleaning, painting, landscaping, electrical work… it’s really been quite a transformation and I couldn't have done it without them.
Indoors we clea
ned till things sparkled, installed two new ceiling fans, a zillion smoke alarms and lots of security features (when your step-dad is a retired cop and your dad lives in the big city of St. Louis, you never need to worry about people breaking into your home! You also have people doing background checks on all of your neighbors, LOL). The back entrance was scrubbed and brightened up with a coat of paint by my dad’s girlfriend Kate. My kitchen was scrubbed, cabinets scoured and new cute contact paper put in all shelves and drawers by my mom. Dad and Mike secured the house from top to bottom, fixed windows and doors, and did wiring. The front porch was revamped- stinky carpeting removed and old glue scraped away, new carpet cut and put down- mom, Mike and dad all get thanks for this! Dad sanded my entry door until I could open and close it without having to kick it (and reinforced the part of my door that I had injured with said kicking- although this removes some of the ghetto charm, LOL). The old Hartman lake house daybed completed the porch, making it my favorite place for reading in the evenings. Tech work in the form of internet security was done by my little brother, who along with his wife Haley, also put together my new bathroom cabinet and helped with the hanging of fans. A myriad of boxes unpacked and furniture was moved and put together by everyone, including my adorable children.
The living room, and connecting walk 
in closet, were my babies. Formerly dark and paneled and pretty darned ugly (sorry Theo!), they are now a relaxing shade of blue (called Zen) with “cotton white” trim and décor that reflects my sense of style more than any room I’ve ever owned. With a set of dark brown vintage couches, a gorgeous Japanese botanical style area rug, mission style coffee table and entertainment center set, and two bookcases which I refinished in a deep chocolate brown on either side of the fireplace, the room looks exactly as I wanted it to- and of that I’m pretty darned proud! Perhaps one of my favorite parts of the room is the fireplace area because all the pieces on that wall are ones I put a lot of hard work into. The bookcases, formerly a dark green, came from my sister-in-law’s Great Aunt Jewel’s estate. I refinished them to match my furniture and gave them some new hardware and a nice coat of beeswax polish to make them shine a bit. The mirror above my fireplace came from a local antique store. It was formerly a dresser mirror, very big, old and heavy and in need of some serious TLC. But an afternoon spent with some light sandpaper, refinishing oil and beeswax polish made it look gorgeous- and well worth the $30 I spent on it. Hanging it was a bit more than I had bargained for (did I mention that thing is insanely heavy?! And my fireplace mantle is high and I am short!), but I’m a stubborn chick and eventually, after much very unladylike cursing and sweating, I got it hung and leveled to my satisfaction. My mantle is now decorated with a bunch of different nature/botanical style pieces, and the look is carried on throughout the entire room. I’m in the process of adding some black and white prints of the kids to make it a true family room. This room is definitely my favorite because it is so very representative of me.
Attached to the living room is my little walk in closet. I was told the room was designed to be a second bathroom, started back in the 70’s when that part of the house was added on, but then never finished. It does in fact have the rough in for plumbing, which I’ve capped off in poor man’s style- duct tape. I painted over the 40 year old drywall with a bright white, hung 
some additional shelving and added in some bookshelves for all my stuff. Eventually I plan to put down some carpeting on that sub-floor, so that it no longer gets my feet all dirty each day when I get my clothes out! But for now it serves as a fantastic walk in closet, which makes up for the fact that my bedroom is the only one without its own closet.
Outdoors we pruned trees and 
shrubs, removed scrub trees and a mountain of weeds (this was more work than you could ever imagine and involved MANY days of labor by my entire family, especially my dad and step-dad), installed some fencing to keep the kids in and the weirdos out, set up the patio furniture and installed lighting along the walkway, and put in a stone patio area with fire pit.
So after all this hard work, and having
lived here for a month and a half now, my little house is finally starting to feel like a home. I’m looking forward to hosting a housewarming party soon (better get to planning!), though I’m a bit disappointed with the fact that it seems the weather has gotten too cool for an outdoor party. Never the less, I’m going to make it happen. Maybe I’ll even bake a cake. Hope to see you all there. :)
On a side note, there appears to be a limit to the number of pics I can post to each blog entry. So I don't get to post all the "my family working" shots that I wanted to (and so what you get this time is the most recent project- fence and fire pit). But trust me, they busted their rears!!!!
