To say it's been a while since I've done this blog thing is a rather decent understatement. Comparable to me thinking the single working mom thing would be a bit tough.
Life. It's busy. It's stressful. It's difficult doing all of this on my own. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm broke as hell. I bust my ass from the time my alarm goes off at 6:10am till I fall into bed each night sometime after 10pm (and even then, rarely is there a night when my children aren't up in the middle of the night for one reason or another). I can't remember the last time I did something even resembling my former hobbies... though I aspire to. I long to find the time and maybe, just maybe, once I'm organized and my house is clean and I'm caught up on paperwork... and my children are in college... I will.
But here's the funny thing. I've never been happier. Never felt stronger. Never been more sure of myself than I am at this moment. Because I'm doing this. I'm handling it and surviving it despite it all and, in that, I'm becoming my own person. A much stronger person. And that's a really, really good thing. And though this whole thing is hard as hell (even that may be an understatement), I'm incredibly optimistic about my future.
I keep saying I'm doing this all on my own. I suppose that is not totally true. Yes, I'm a single mom and yes, each day I take care of my kids and my house and my job and my life all on my own physically. But emotionally I am anything but alone. That's one thing I've found in all of this. In the life I lived preceding this one, I was very private and rarely let anyone in. Not really, truly in. I didn't talk about my problems, my unhappiness, my anything that wasn't happy-go-lucky. It wasn't until shortly before my marriage ended that I really started to talk with my girlfriends and my family. And after the split, when I found that I couldn't do it all on my own and keep sane, I discovered how much people really wanted to be there for me. And slowly I learned how to humble myself to ask for and accept help. Slowly I started to open up the truth of my world to others. Select others. And in those darkest of days following the split, when sometimes I wasn't sure I had the strength to make it through, that I'd been tested too heavily and was failing, I realized I could turn to my girls and my family and they were there to listen. And each and every time, they lifted me back up and set me on my feet and reminded me that I could handle all of this. That I was handling all of this. And that all I really had to do was put one foot in front of the other and take things one day at a time. And so I did. And with each step, each moment, each day that I survived it, I grew. And so too did those relationships.
Through our trials we find our true self. I've learned so much from all of this. Come so much further than I ever thought I could in this first year and a half since the split. I'm growing into the sort of woman I always wanted to be- the woman I portrayed on the outside. Except now it's inside too. And it's real. It's me.
And Amongst the Ashes, I Found Myself
Mirroring Life
I've said many times when discussing the creation of artwork with people, it's not so much the end result, but the process of creation that makes a piece of art what it is. In the beginning, you have an idea, an inspiration. You sit before your canvas, drawing out your lines, creating, erasing, smudging, changing over and over, until in the end what you have before you may be nothing at all like you originally envisioned- and yet it is ten million times better because of the process you took to get there. It reflects you and the inspiration you felt far more than that original mental picture. And because of this, it is in fact far greater. And that is what makes it art.
Life itself follows this same path. We begin in our youth with a rosy little picture of what we want our lives to someday be like. Then that vision meets with the real world, faces challenge, rejection, love, loss, a million new moments of inspiration and we change our path over and over, deviating slightly- or vastly- from the plan. As we create our future, we learn, we grow, we change, we erase and smudge... we falter sometimes, lamenting in the fact that our lives are nothing at all like we envisioned the would be. The downfall comes in our inability to step back and see that though it's not at all like we'd once planned, what we have created is so often so much more amazing than what we originally envisioned. And the end piece is made up of so much more than just what we see- so much of life, like art, is the journey we take.
Don't get lost in the original vision and fail to see what you've created. Remember once in a while to take a step back. And remember, you are still creating...
My life in boxes now...
Packing up my life again… it’s been emotional each time. Last summer I left my marital home to go out on my own for the first time. Now I pack up my little rental house, the first place I called my own and experienced life alone, and I move away from the town that has been a part of my life since my college years. I truly am closing the door on that time. It’s difficult. Bittersweet. I leave behind a lot; Memories of half my lifetime. I am only moving an hour away, but that’s not the point. This move is symbolic of me and my fresh start. It’s both exciting and frightening and I find myself teary eyed often as I pack my life away into boxes and bins. I’m fortunate that my family starts hitting town in just a few hours- it will be nice to have them here, not just to pack and move furniture.
My children are excited about the move. Zan has known for ages that he would move when he was six (projected date his father’s degree completion) and so this was totally expected to him. In fact, as time grew closer to his new age, he would ask when we were moving. He turned six yesterday. We move Saturday. They’re both excited. They like the new house and the idea of new surroundings. I don’t think they fully grasp what this means as far as how often they’ll see their father. I’m hoping they’ll handle it okay. It may be a rough summer.
This last week has been an emotional one anyway, having unexpectedly lost someone I consider family. Throw that into the mix with all the emotions I’m feeling over the move and you’ve got yourself one fun weekend. I’m sure I’ll need a beer... or three.
On the Move... Again
I did start this blog with the hopes of actually updating it more frequently than I do. Sadly, this is not the case. I have high hopes that one day it will be. Darn life for always getting in the way.
In brief, this is my life- my divorce was finalized a few months back, my house was sold a few weeks later. I'm venturing out into the single world, gingerly so, knowing that it's a scary and unfamiliar place, but that it will be fun too.Trying out this dating thing- what a world that is!!! Single motherhood is still rough, but I'm adjusting. Exhausted, but adjusting. I'm also in the process of moving closer to work- which will add over 2 hours to my day and (at this point) about $600 a month to my bank account. My lease there started this month and my lease here ends after the first week of June. I'm slowly moving a ton of stuff and reorganizing my life yet again. Leaving Champaign-Urbana is bittersweet for many reasons. I look back at my life one year ago and think how far I have come... then I look ahead and know how far I have yet to go. But I know I can handle it, come what may. I've already made it this far, haven't I?
It's Been A While
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Of this I am well aware. I’m still just trying to find a balance between working full time and doing the single mom thing, dealing with legal stuff from the divorce and the house, taking on too much as always and still trying to live life to the fullest without killing myself off, LOL. I promise to be back on soon. Life is slowly getting better. Thanks for staying tuned.
He's Just Not That Into You
I’m reading that book right now. You know, the one they made that cute little movie out of where everyone seems to be learning the hard way that they shouldn’t be with the person they’re crushing on. It was a gift from my best friend of 16 years. Her token of wisdom (among many) for my foray into the frightening world of singledom. It was also one of the last books she read before she found her Mr. Right.
Not that I’m looking for Mr. Right at this moment mind you. Really, I’d be quite happy with Mr. Let’s Go Camping and Then Watch the Sunrise Together While Drinking Our Coffee or Mr. Let’s Share a Beer and Hotwings While We Get To Know Each Other Better (just make sure that beer isn’t a Bud Light because I’ve got plenty of that in my fridge and I don’t have to put on make up to drink it).
It’s an interesting read this little book. A glimpse into the male mind when it comes to dating. And apparently it’s a glimpse I need, because I’m learning a lot!! For instance, did you know that even though the year is 2010, a girl is not supposed to ask a guy out? Yeah, you heard that right- I find a guy I like, I think “gee, I’d like to go out for a drink and get to know him better some time, I should ask him to do that.” WRONG!!! Apparently this is a turn off for men. They like the pursuit, the chance to catch you. Catch me? Really? I didn’t even realize I was in season! I’m thinking this particular “rule” will be one of the most problematic to me. I’m pretty modern and pretty forward. I don’t like to play games. Honestly, I think they’re irritating and a bunch of BS. If you know me well, you know I don’t sit around and wait for stuff. The way I’ve gotten everything that I have in my life is by going after it. I want something, I figure out what I need to do to get it and then I bust my ass doing it. I don’t sit around waiting for it to come to me! Waiting = wasting in my book. I’m a planner, a doer; I just don’t sit around and wait. I just don’t. That’s REALLY not me. So what then is a girl like me to do? Compromise my ways? I’m kind of touchy about that sort of thing lately…
The co-author of this book is a woman and she’s very much like me in her thinking. She too has gone after all that she’s wanted in her professional life and treated her dating life the same. I’m reading her section, agreeing with all she says and thinking, “Yeah, Liz, so what do we do?” I’m hoping she has an answer that doesn’t mean I have to change my way of thinking, when she says, “But guess what- My way? Has sucked. Hasn’t worked at all.” And all I could think, in a very unladylike fashion, was “Well shit.”
The thing is, I’m not all that girly and I don’t like to follow the girly rules. Don’t get me wrong, I love a cute skirt and a pair of heels like most of the female population- and I take special joy in finding just the right jewelry to go with an outfit. And yes, my toes are always neatly painted. But as a kid I was a tomboy. Growing up I got along better with the guys than the girls. I hung out with my brother and his friends, went hiking, camping and fishing with my family, and was always up a tree somewhere. I didn’t change all that much as I grew older, though I learned how to use makeup (pictures show this to be a LONG learning process) and my female friend circle widened a good deal. Still, I tend to be bawdy in my humor, coarse with my language and strong in my mindset that I can do anything a man can do- and two other things at the same time. I’ve never been the woe-is-me, damsel in distress kinda girl. Um, yeah, screw that. That’s not what my parents raised me to be. I’m a strong willed, opinionated, highly competitive, do-it-yourself kinda girl and I’ve grown into that even more since I’ve gone out into the world on my own. And it serves me well for the most part.
And so it seems to me that this rule is going to pose a problem for me. A big one. It’s not that I don’t think it would be fun to be wooed by a boy. Quite the contrary. I do like the idea of that quite a bit. I just don’t like the idea of sitting around thinking “Gee I hope Joe Schmoe likes me,” sighing and batting my eye lashes and being all wishy-washy WAITING for him to maybe, just maybe, call me. Just the thought of it irritates the bejeezus out of me. And it really annoys me, this whole double standard of how it’s cool for a guy to ask a girl out but not vice versa. This is not the 1940s. Am I seriously going to have to compromise just so that I don’t offend a boy? And do I even want to be with a guy whose ego is so easily bruised? I honestly don’t know.
I am, however, quite curious to know if this really IS how guys are. It’s tempting just to test this theory, since for a while I figure I pretty much won’t care about truly catching a man (are THEY in season?). It brings back out the psychologist in me. I want to do studies, pass out surveys, monitor brain waves and dopamine response, LOL. It also makes me wish I were more like my best friend, who would tease the hell out of any boy who acted so silly. All I know is that I apparently have a LOT to learn about men and have got to decide just how much I am willing to compromise to have one. And right now, the answer to that is “not all that much.”
From House to Home
I have had a few requests (honestly, I am always shocked that you people read this thing) for an update and some pics of the new place.
I’ve done a lot to my little house since I took possession back in mid-July and moved in mid-August. And by I what I really mean is WE- the we being my fabulous family. Two and a half months of cleaning, painting, landscaping, electrical work… it’s really been quite a transformation and I couldn't have done it without them.
Indoors we clea
ned till things sparkled, installed two new ceiling fans, a zillion smoke alarms and lots of security features (when your step-dad is a retired cop and your dad lives in the big city of St. Louis, you never need to worry about people breaking into your home! You also have people doing background checks on all of your neighbors, LOL). The back entrance was scrubbed and brightened up with a coat of paint by my dad’s girlfriend Kate. My kitchen was scrubbed, cabinets scoured and new cute contact paper put in all shelves and drawers by my mom. Dad and Mike secured the house from top to bottom, fixed windows and doors, and did wiring. The front porch was revamped- stinky carpeting removed and old glue scraped away, new carpet cut and put down- mom, Mike and dad all get thanks for this! Dad sanded my entry door until I could open and close it without having to kick it (and reinforced the part of my door that I had injured with said kicking- although this removes some of the ghetto charm, LOL). The old Hartman lake house daybed completed the porch, making it my favorite place for reading in the evenings. Tech work in the form of internet security was done by my little brother, who along with his wife Haley, also put together my new bathroom cabinet and helped with the hanging of fans. A myriad of boxes unpacked and furniture was moved and put together by everyone, including my adorable children.
The living room, and connecting walk 
in closet, were my babies. Formerly dark and paneled and pretty darned ugly (sorry Theo!), they are now a relaxing shade of blue (called Zen) with “cotton white” trim and décor that reflects my sense of style more than any room I’ve ever owned. With a set of dark brown vintage couches, a gorgeous Japanese botanical style area rug, mission style coffee table and entertainment center set, and two bookcases which I refinished in a deep chocolate brown on either side of the fireplace, the room looks exactly as I wanted it to- and of that I’m pretty darned proud! Perhaps one of my favorite parts of the room is the fireplace area because all the pieces on that wall are ones I put a lot of hard work into. The bookcases, formerly a dark green, came from my sister-in-law’s Great Aunt Jewel’s estate. I refinished them to match my furniture and gave them some new hardware and a nice coat of beeswax polish to make them shine a bit. The mirror above my fireplace came from a local antique store. It was formerly a dresser mirror, very big, old and heavy and in need of some serious TLC. But an afternoon spent with some light sandpaper, refinishing oil and beeswax polish made it look gorgeous- and well worth the $30 I spent on it. Hanging it was a bit more than I had bargained for (did I mention that thing is insanely heavy?! And my fireplace mantle is high and I am short!), but I’m a stubborn chick and eventually, after much very unladylike cursing and sweating, I got it hung and leveled to my satisfaction. My mantle is now decorated with a bunch of different nature/botanical style pieces, and the look is carried on throughout the entire room. I’m in the process of adding some black and white prints of the kids to make it a true family room. This room is definitely my favorite because it is so very representative of me.
Attached to the living room is my little walk in closet. I was told the room was designed to be a second bathroom, started back in the 70’s when that part of the house was added on, but then never finished. It does in fact have the rough in for plumbing, which I’ve capped off in poor man’s style- duct tape. I painted over the 40 year old drywall with a bright white, hung 
some additional shelving and added in some bookshelves for all my stuff. Eventually I plan to put down some carpeting on that sub-floor, so that it no longer gets my feet all dirty each day when I get my clothes out! But for now it serves as a fantastic walk in closet, which makes up for the fact that my bedroom is the only one without its own closet.
Outdoors we pruned trees and 
shrubs, removed scrub trees and a mountain of weeds (this was more work than you could ever imagine and involved MANY days of labor by my entire family, especially my dad and step-dad), installed some fencing to keep the kids in and the weirdos out, set up the patio furniture and installed lighting along the walkway, and put in a stone patio area with fire pit.
So after all this hard work, and having
lived here for a month and a half now, my little house is finally starting to feel like a home. I’m looking forward to hosting a housewarming party soon (better get to planning!), though I’m a bit disappointed with the fact that it seems the weather has gotten too cool for an outdoor party. Never the less, I’m going to make it happen. Maybe I’ll even bake a cake. Hope to see you all there. :)
On a side note, there appears to be a limit to the number of pics I can post to each blog entry. So I don't get to post all the "my family working" shots that I wanted to (and so what you get this time is the most recent project- fence and fire pit). But trust me, they busted their rears!!!!
Dear Life...
Dear Life,
You almost had me there for a minute. Almost.
Things have definitely been challenging these last few weeks (or rather, MORE challenging). Take acclimating to being a single mom, all that fun divorce stuff, and a house that won’t sell, add in an accident that totaled my car, a vomiting child, and a raging migraine all within a 24-hour time span and you left me feeling pretty damned defeated. I’ll admit, I did an awful lot of crying.
You really truly did almost have me there. For a while I was caught up in myself, letting things pull me down into the depths of despair. You left me feeling vulnerable, afraid, unsure of myself and what to do, wondering if I really could handle it all. But my family and friends were there to support me. They were there, rallying around me, reminding me of the things I had so quickly forgotten- that I’m not the kind of girl who gives in to self-pity. I’m not the kind of girl who lets life stand in my way- if I can’t do something one way, I’ll just find another. I’m not the girl who gives up when the going gets tough. I never ever have been. I’m stubborn and I take pride in my ability to persevere, no matter what life throws my way- and believe me, it’s thrown me some serious stuff. But as my best friend reminded me earlier this week, “You always come through all of the shit that is thrown at you with a shovel in your hands and a smile on your face.” And that’s what I’d almost forgotten. That I can do this, because I’ve ALWAYS done this.
Nothing ever seems to have come my way easily. That’s not a complaint- though I will admit to complaining plenty at the time! Rather, it’s a good thing, because it means I’ve had to bust my ass for everything I have. And while to some that might not seem to be a good thing, I know deep down that it is my struggles that have made me strong. It’s all the stuff I’ve had to endure, had to work for, had to suffer through, which have made me able to handle things now when life’s even tougher. And it’s the fact that no matter what, I’ve always made it through with a smart-ass attitude and a smile on my face. Always.
Yep, world, you almost had me. I almost forgot who I was. But now that I remember, watch out, because I’m not taking your shit anymore- at least not without my smile and my shovel.
Love and kisses,
Stacy
Inquiring Mind...
I go back and forth between what I want to put in my blog. Should I just stick to the cheery, upbeat, funny stuff or tell it how it really is? I find myself writing entries, only to never publish them because I care far too much about what the world thinks of me. It’s funny, because really the only people who read this thing are my family and a select group of friends and I should know they won’t judge… but still…
And so I am curious. Should I stick to the little stuff or simply throw it all out there, opinions be damned? Should I let you see my vulnerable side (that’s a tough one for me) or just continue to show the smart-assed, strong woman side? If you know the train wreck that is my life, see that I am not that strong, know that it’s not that easy, will you think differently of me?
Post here. Message me. Email me. Let me know. I am curious.
I Ate a Cookie... and Life's a Bitch
I sat in on a conversation recently where some friends were complaining about the fact that so many people post random, pointless things as their status messages on Facebook. They talk about what they ate for breakfast or post song lyrics as they come to mind. I kept my mouth shut during this conversation and didn’t say a word.
The fact of the matter is I’m one of THOSE people. It’s not that I have nothing deep to say- I just follow the rule that if you don’t want the entire world to know it, you don’t post it on Facebook. Most of my personal life falls into this category. I’m a highly private person in that regard and prefer to keep certain aspects of my life open to only my closest friends. The fact that I posted at all on Facebook that I was getting a divorce was a HUGE deviation from the norm for me. Yet, I felt it needed to be done and FB was the easiest way to tell a good number of people without repeating the same thing over and over and dealing with the emotion that comes with it.
What I wanted to say to these friends of mine having their Facebook status convo was that, at least in my case, often the more pointless my status, the more likely it is that something big is going on in my life. Perhaps I want to stay in touch with the world, hear words of encouragement or things that will make me laugh, but I don’t want to admit that this particular day has been an emotional hell for me and that that is why I am reaching out. My life is not peachy and things are not easy, though my statuses may be easy going. It’s just that this part of my life is private and shared with the few people in it that I truly trust.
In truth, I also post about the trivial because posting anything other than that lately seems only to encourage people to dislike me and what I am saying. I am the one who filed for divorce, so on days when I’m feeling not so grand and I happen to post about it, it often garners the private response that I have no right to complain or feel as I do, because the choice to end my marriage was my own. In turn, should I happen to have the gall to post about some personal success or moment of happiness, I hear that I am rubbing it in his face. Honestly people, I’m just living my life as best I can. I find myself having a hard time dealing with the fact that people are so quick to judge without ever asking my side of the story. Not that I would be quick to share if they did.
I knew when I finally made my decision that it came with consequences. I weighed each and every one time and time again. I knew that I would have to accept that there would be those who would never care to hear my side of the story, even if I offered it up to them. That there would be those who now hated me simply on principal. Even those who I had loved would be lost to me. I knew I would be the bad guy in all of this, because I was the one who petitioned. I knew that was the sacrifice I would make. I went in eyes open. Know this when you judge me and my decision. It wasn’t made lightly.
My friends say I care too much about what other people think and they are absolutely right. This is how I have always been and I’m not sure I will change all that much, though I am trying. So much of the time I don’t say what I want, because I spend too much time worrying about how it will affect everyone else. What if something I say upsets someone? What if they think poorly of me based on what I thought at some random time on some random day? What if my happiness makes someone else unhappy? I take it all to heart and probably always will. It’s in my nature. It’s also part of what ruined my marriage. My friends tell me it is not my job to keep everyone else happy- but it is a hard habit to break. I have lived that way my entire life. So ponder this… if I, who hate conflict and care too much about what others think, knew there would be drama, knew people would hate me, knew people would hurt… why would I do it? Why did I ask for a divorce? It begs the question, is there another side to the story? I say this not because I want to shift blame. I don’t wish to give details, nor do I want you to take sides. I only want you to stop and consider all this for a moment before you choose to think poorly of me for posting that I had a good day.
And so it is, just as it was in my own parents’ marriage and divorce- what goes on behind closed doors stays that way and no one is the wiser. There are days that I long to shout to those who disapprove of my decision, “But you don’t understand! You don’t KNOW!!!” But just as I lived my marriage, so too do I handle my divorce- quietly, any not-so-pretty details kept under wraps, polite and friendly smile to the world. I post my pointless, mundane statuses on Facebook to hide the emotions now, just as I always have. It avoids conflict. Keeps things civil. To let any of it spill out would cause too much drama and more hurt, and really there is no point in that. And so I sit there quietly and let people judge me. Let them say I shouldn’t be happy or shouldn’t be sad. Or find me ridiculous for posting that I ate a cookie.
But it WAS a good cookie.
Moving Right Along
I've been working on my rental house for a while and little by little, I'm getting things done and making it my own. My family has been a fabulous help. Friends too. We spent last weekend cleaning and painting and doing all sorts of handiwork. By Monday night (I took the day off work to finish painting and such), the dark paneled living room, which offended my senses by totally sucking up every bit of sunlight that came through the windows, was painted a relaxing shade of blue/green/gray called Zen with white trim. I'm proud to say you really can hardly tell it's the same room, especially after Christine and I set up the furniture. Now I just need to find my cream colored curtains (which I had hanging in my house in Rockford 7 years ago but are now somewhere buried in my Abercorn house, sigh) and paint the two big bookshelves that I got from my sister in law's great aunt, which I think will finish off the fireplace end of the room quite nicely.
This weekend my mom and step-dad come back to help me pack up more of my Abercorn house things, a job which is daunting both physically and emotionally for oh so many reasons. Living in two residences at once is confusing and frustrating, especially since I'm still not quite sure when I can move out of Abercorn and into Poplar. My goal is to be completely moved by the time Zan starts school mid-August so that he is going through as little transition at one time as possible. I think that's possible.
As for the Abercorn house, it's officially on the market- sign in the front yard and all that jazz. Disappointingly, we had to list it at less than what we paid for it six years ago- and we finished the basement after that! Financially we'll be taking a big hit, but after looking at how long all the other houses in our neighborhood sat on the market at higher prices before finally selling (and having dropped their own prices down considerably), we decided our only option was to undercut the current sellers from the get-go. So on top of all that we've been doing on the Poplar house, we've been cleaning and readying the Abercorn house for sale. Having spent until 9:30pm tonight scrubbing the walls and other surfaces, I can easily say I'm ready for even just one night where I do nothing!!! Not seeing that in my future any time soon though, LOL. That's okay, all that hard work just keeps me busy and helps me get through this a bit easier.
And now, a little less conversation...
BE
FORE- My living room- dark paneling made the room look SOO dark and closed in!! I bought samples of the four blues you see on the far wall and settled on the one second from the left. I then settled in to the task of taping and priming and painting... it took MUCH longer than I expected. But then again, I've always been horrible at estimating how long it will take to get something done.
AFTER- Even though these pics are taken at about 1am (when Christine and I finished moving furniture), I still feel like the room is brighter! I want to get back over there on a really sunny day and take some good natural light pics.
I'm proud to say that I did all the painting and prep work in this room by myself, save the last half of the trim work, which Christine came over to help me with (even though she hates painting- how's that for a friend?! Awesome). The room is definitely a labor of love for me, but I think having done this myself is what makes me like it even more. :)
I have two [currently green] tall bookshelf units that I want to paint a deep chocolate brown to match my furniture- you know, in my spare time, LOL. They will be centered in the space that is on either side of the fireplace.
I also have curtains that will be put up and lots of decorative stuff. Yay, living room!!
I have taken a ton more pics of the entire moving and renovating process and am still deciding what to post. Stay tuned family... :)
Changes
...a rambling blog entry...
My life is going through a good deal of change right now as I transition from a relationship that lasted nearly 17 years, including ten years of marriage and two beautiful children, to that of a single woman and single mother. I'm not sure how much I will share on my blog about my marriage and the end of it... those who know me best know I'm a very private person and the details of this seem like something that should remain between Scott and me alone.
I will, however, post about my life and what I'm doing, how I'm doing and how I'm growing- perhaps more for myself than anything else. I like the idea of keeping a record, something for me to look at as the year draws to an end and see what I have accomplished in my new life. I know that it won't always be easy- in fact, I'm guessing for the first few years I'll be put to the test more often than not. But I'm confident that I can handle whatever comes my way.
I've never been alone before. Never lived alone. This will be a whole next experience for me. Exciting and frightening all at once. I am definitely marveling at my new-found independence and the personal growth it will mean for me. I am in the process of fixing up a little rental house for the kids and me to live in. It gives me purpose and a place to channel my energy and emotion. And, as things look more and more as I want them to, I know I will really start to feel good about it and I hope it will begin to feel like home to me.
Tonight, since the kids are at my dad's for one more night, I headed over to do a little work in the yard. I've always loved the outdoors and working in the yard is what I call my "Zen activity." It helps calm and center me and brings me peace when I'm overly stressed. I love the sounds and the smells and the breeze... could do without the spiders, mosquitoes and 90% humidity, but beggars can't be choosers. Tonight I tackled the front yard. The yard in general is pretty weedy (this is an understatement...). The previous tenants moved out a few months back and though the landlord has mowed regularly, there are still all those weeds that decide they would like nothing better than to take over your yard if you turn your back for more than 30 seconds. And, because the yard is full of so many beautiful shade trees, it is also full of little offshoot saplings which have decided to give it a go in my yard.
Thus, I loaded up my gardening tools and my massive wheelbarrow into my car, headed over and set to work. It was hot and I was covered in dirt and sweat and smushed mosquitoes by the time the sun started setting, but all that didn't matter one bit. I can already see a real difference- gone are all the self-planted mulberry trees which were growing up in the shrubbery and the pine tree. The lily beds are all cleaned out of weeds and are now ready for a few additions which I'll take from my garden at the marital house and then mulch up nicely. I started cleaning out the side beds by the driveway too (though I found some giant spiders and a little patch of poison ivy- both of which slowed my progress by causing me to stop working for a bit) and got about half way down the side of the house. There is a massive overgrowth of mint on the street facing end of the house which I will have to thin- and perhaps have a girls' night mojito party with. But once that's done, it'll be completely clear for planting. I've never transplanted mid-summer before, so it should be interesting.
The backyard will be my next outdoor project. It's a really nice size and full of big shade trees- something my newly built subdivision house didn't have and I've missed dreadfully. It will allow the kids to play outside so much more than the old house ever did. It too is weed and sapling filled. Plus, it has this weird round little garden type thing in the middle which isn't so much a garden anymore but rather a circle of really HUGE weeds. I'm thinking perhaps of turning it into a fire pit area. It would be nice to be able to sit out in the evening and look up at the stars or roast marshmallows with the kids. We shall see. I'm full of ideas, but not of funding, LOL.
On top of yard work, I also have permission (and some funding) from my landlord to do some painting. The living room is a dark paneled wood and I'm itching to brighten it up. Same with the enclosed porch, which just calls for the old Hartman daybed and me with a book on a rainy day. I figure that I can do painting on my free evenings when it's too darned hot to be outside.
More than anything I know that these projects will be good for me. They'll give me purpose and keep me busy. I'm taking pictures of everything as I go along so that I can really see all I've accomplished. They're probably not exciting to anyone but me (and maybe my parents, lol), so I won't post them all that often- just often enough to give you a little peek into my new life.
That's enough for this rambling entry. It's already going on and on, offending my literary senses, LOL.
A Wrinkle In Time... and one on my forehead too.
This has been kind of a crazy year for me. I'm not sure whether it has been stress, kids, too much sun or simply getting older (because let's face it, I'm not in my 20s anymore), but I noticed a while back that my forehead is starting to get ... gasp!... wrinkles.
Now I'd like to say, being a staunch feminist, that I could give a rat's ass about whether or not I'm starting to show signs of age. But, quite honestly, I'm a woman and it's ingrained into us pretty much from birth to care about how we look- and I am no different. I fall prey to vanity and comparing what is in the mirror to what is in the media. At the same time, I'm also pretty damned honest in that department. If you ask me, I will tell you my age (I see nothing wrong with being 31), my dress size (I'm actually quite pleased with it right now), my height and weight (the former of which is shorter than you might think- hidden 95% of the time by my love for heels and the latter has bounced about throughout my life- topping the scale at over 200lbs- a fact which very few people know), even my bra size (though I'm not about to post that on here!!). I will admit to dying my hair (darker most of the time- I find people take me more seriously), wearing contacts, wearing undergarments that suck me in and push me up when need be, and knowing how to hide acne, injury and serious under eye circles with the right kinds of makeup. But, while I fall prey to vanity and giving in to fit the media's view of women, I also openly admit to my faults (though I certainly don't like to call them that). I feel like if we as women remain honest, if nothing else but with each other, then perhaps with time we can help change the idea of beauty to one less nipped, tucked and airbrushed and into something more natural.
And so that brings me to today's blog. The first one I've written in a LONG time. But, as I've always said- empowerment through honesty. So here goes... my foray into the world of anti-aging products.
I ran into Walgreens today to pick up my normal face wash. I was actually in a hurry to get home, but Walgreens has a way of tempting me always to buy more than I should. I found myself before that wall of facial care products, overwhelmed with all that was in front of me. A myriad of creams, gels and sprays to help you fix every possible facial ailment (even ones you hadn't even considered UNTIL NOW that you might have). Ingredients I can't even begin to pronounce (or spell, so I'm not even trying). And suddenly there I saw them- the anti-wrinkle creams. I steeled myself up, knowing that I might as well take a look. After all, I had seen those little wrinkles beginning to form within the frown lines of my forehead. And the big ones that go where my smile lines are at my mouth (though I'm not necessarily in a hurry to get rid of those). Perhaps some preventative maintenance is what I need- or so that was the thought running through my head as I continued my perusal.
I stared for far too long, reading labels of the miracles each item could work- yes, I DO look tired (two kids and a full time job will do that to you)... hmm, I'm sure I could stand to be revitalized... rejuvenated, most definitely... shrink my pores and reduce fine lines and wrinkles- ooh, I want that!! ... collagen, retin-A, microdermibrasion, vitamin this and that and the other... oh my! It was more than enough to make my head spin.
Fortunately, I spotted a clerk nearby who appeared to be somewhere in the age range of my own mother- and when you don't have your mom with you to help, someone else's mom will have to do. Plus, she had wrinkles, so I figured she was no stranger to my dilemma. And so I wandered up to her, clueless deer in the headlights look in my eyes and, like the little lost child, asked her, "Please help!" She asked what I needed and I admitted pitifully, "I need help picking wrinkle cream!!" She found this quite funny and had a good laugh (with me,not at me!). I lucked out in asking her though, as it seems she had already tried quite a few of the creams on the shelf and, being both the clerk for the cosmetics section and a consumer, she knew all about what each one did and the research. She told me quite honestly which ones worked and which ones weren't worth the fancy packaging they came in. When we finally settled on something, she set me up with a $5 coupon and a $15 rebate- reduce wrinkles AND cost! Score one for Walgreens!
And so I spent my small fortune on two tiny tubes of miracle gel and headed off home to my little wrinkle producers. I gave the products, some system by Neutrogena which claims to be "a breakthrough anti-aging technology using the power of bioelectricity" (the fact that spell check doesn't even think that's a word makes me giggle), a try this evening. It didn't seem to be anything overly unusual. But, according to the box, in four weeks I will see positively electrifying results in my skin. Hmm... is electrifying really a good thing? Should I be frightened?
So, should you happen to see me in four weeks or more, feel free to point out my wrinkles and comment on their (hopefully reduced) size... at your own risk of course.
Autumn
It seems that autumn is apparently here. Not much transition this year, unless you count the mild summer we had as fall- in which case we actually got far more than our normal two weeks of the perfect weather that generally marks the start of fall in Illinois. Without a doubt, autumn is my favorite time of year. I am not sure which part I love the most- the end of the unbearable heat and humidity, the changing of the colors, the smell of the earth on a rainy day or those sunny days when you kick through piles of leaves and you are reminded of childhood, back when you jumped head first into towering piles, newly raked by mom and dad (and then got yelled at)… or maybe it’s simply the knowledge that soon the bitter Midwestern winter will begin and last, undoubtedly, for the next six months. This knowledge always makes it so that I treasure every last autumn moment.
When I was younger fall meant camping. Hiking through Starved Rock. Campfires. Girl Scout sleepovers where we froze to death at night but loved every minute of it- especially the chocolate chip campfire pancakes the next morning. I have always looked forward to sharing these same experiences with my kids- though I am a bit impatient waiting for them to get old enough. I can only assume that a one year old does more eating of nature than appreciating it. As it is, at four my son is already a huge fan of campfires (and S’mores) and of jumping in leaf piles.
And so I waited through the summer for the fall, so that I could begin enjoying my favorite time of year. But fall arrived in a rather wet and chilly fashion this year and though I do love the smell of rain in the fall, I would prefer it not occur every day. It’s hard to go walking and enjoy the changing of colors when you are damp and shivering.
And yet, at heart I am an optimist. And even more so an artist. And so despite the dreary pitch that this season has taken, I still find it hard to deny its beauty. Now that I commute for two hours of my day five days a week, I see a lot more of the Midwestern countryside than I ever did before and I notice some of the subtleties that I never did while rushing through all those times before. It’s hard to miss the intensity of the changing leaves- when I lived on the border of Northern Illinois, the autumn colors would literally take my breath away. My college campus was wooded and I loved wandering around taking it all in- though I am not an overly religious person (at least not in the sense of organized religion), in those moments I always felt as if I was particularly close with God. There was an overwhelming sense of peace and calm that came simply from closing my eyes and breathing it all in, listening to the rustling leaves and feeling the cool breeze on my skin. Those moments where the difficulties of grown up life could be shut out and replaced with the simple joys of nature.
But beyond the changing of the leaves, there is so much more to be seen. More than I had ever believed. There is a point in my commute each day when I have to choose which way to go home. My exit has been closed for well over a month now (I will not ruin this entry with my tirade regarding that) and so I have to choose between two alternate routes, both of which put me driving through more countryside than my normal 98% interstate way (and take a good 10 minutes longer- but again, stopping before tirade begins). And though the routes do take longer, they also force me to drive a bit slower and look around- and every single day I have wished for my camera.
On one particular drive it had been raining most of the day, but stopped shortly before I began my commute. The sun was just coming out again and I came up over the crest of a hill to see the fields, newly cut, shimmering a bright gold in the sunlight- against the backdrop of a sky so deep stormy blue that the contrast of the two was near perfect.
Yet another drive revealed to me a picture perfect little white farmhouse- faded but beautiful in its simplicity, with one of those massive old white pine trees that seem to show up occasionally along the central Illinois countryside. It all seemed so serene. Such a perfect little escape from the bustle of normal city life; the sort of place I have always dreamed of buying for my own.
And then there are the tiny details. The way the leaves on the very tips of the trees seem to hang on the longest, standing out in such stark contrast to the bare branches leading out to them. The way the sky manages to look different each morning as the sun rises- some days the colors are brash and dramatic, others are more subtle in their beauty. The clouds that form on both clear days and stormy, reminding me of all the times I sat as a child picking out the figures hidden within them and creating stories. And if you stop and look at all the life around you, fading slowly and folding itself up for the winter, you can see the beauty really is in the details.
I like to think that I am not the only one who often finds themselves caught off guard by the beauty of all that is around us. That I am not the only one lost in dreamstate while staring at the sky. It does, at times, cause a lack of focus on my part- but often I think our lives are far too fast paced and focused once we grow up anyway and it is truly a loss when we move so fast that we miss the details, big or small, subtle or brash, that mother nature throws our way in any season.
On a side note, I have a far more difficult time remaining so inspired by winter… especially by about month four.
Take a Flying Leap
It's been ages since I've updated this thing, mostly due to the fact that my new job keeps me amazingly busy. Even my lunch hours go insanely fast! I love it though. And really, truth be told, I could use being kept more busy at the office.
So this is just a tiny update mostly to tell you about my new 30 List accomplishment- or soon to be accomplishment. It turns out my long time BFF Steph is as crazy as I am and was planning on skydiving this summer just as I was! We were both pretty excited to discover the coincidence. So of course, because it's way more fun to do this sort of thing with someone else than it is by yourself (and my husband has announced that there is no way he is going anywhere near the open door of any airplane not on the ground), she and I are going to jump together. Two weeks from today we will be making our jump- actually by this time two weeks from now, I will already have jumped! Craziness. I'm beyond excited. I will, of course, post about how it all went after I've done it.
So until then, here's to living life to the fullest. Wish me luck! :)
Making Progress- The 30 List
I’ve been 30 for nearly a month now and I’m proud to say that I have actually made some progress on this 30 List thing!! For me, the consummate procrastinator, that says an awful lot. So what, you ask, have you done so far Stacy? Ok, so maybe you don’t ask that, because not many people really care about what I do on a daily basis. But let’s pretend for a moment that you DID ask, lol.
Item 3- Take a belly dancing class.
As I mentioned in my last entry, my friend Andrea and I decided to give this one a shot. I have to tell you, it is the MOST fun I’ve had in AGES!!!! We laugh and dance our way through an hour each Tuesday and I leave in the best mood. You can’t wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the evening. It reminds me of why I loved dance so much. There is such an emotional component for me when it comes to dancing and during the moments where I know what I’m doing enough to lose myself, it’s a really great experience- a combination of the femininity and sensuality of the movements and the pure happiness that I feel from dance itself. Needless to say, we’ve had a great time. We loved it so much we signed up for the second course and are now through our second week of Advanced Belly Dance. We even plan on taking the course that follows this one. Now that I’ve remembered why it was that I loved dance so much, I certainly do not plan on stopping. I may even take a ballet class or two once belly dancing is over, so that I can relearn my first love. We’ll have to see how much my husband allows, since it means he has to take care of the kids the evenings I have class.
Some pics for your general amusement-
Andrea and I on our last day of the beginning course, when we got to use veils.
Love the classes enough that now I have some fantastically jingly scarves to
wear- the white one a birthday gift from Andrea and the black one I bought for
myself out of my left over birthday cash. Both make the BEST noise when you
shimmy.
I was testing out the self timer setting on my new fancy pants camera and taking
random "dramatic" shots, lol. And yeah, Scott likes to laugh at pictures where I
try to look serious or sexy. Apparently I only look natural when being goofy. So
you can laugh too. It’s ok. Life is too short to take ourselves so seriously.
No, I haven’t gone yet. But I haven’t changed my mind about it either. And I’ve been saving a little bit of my paycheck each month towards the $200 fee. I now have $125!! I hope to do this one this summer. My husband thinks I am absolutely insane, but I can’t wait!!!
Item 6- Reopen Floresco
This one is difficult. I have revamped all my web graphics and have a lot done towards reopening, but the fact that my job situation is so up in the air right now has me waiting. Stay tuned.
Item 8- Start sketching again.
This one was my first attempt at drawing in over a decade. My apologies to
anyone uncomfortable with the partial nudity, LOL
Back when I was a sophomore at the U of I, I was riding the bus to class one
rainy morning and we stopped to pick up passengers. Beside the sidewalk there
were two birds, one obviously dead and the one beside it, beating its wings
furiously. Though I don't know how much emotion animals are capable of feeling,
to me this moment was filled with such anguish and despair. That image has
stayed with me for all of these years. I always said that if I were to
draw again, this would be one of the pieces I would create.
Item 9- Study religion. My good buddy Matt showed up in Champaign recently with a present for me. It seems people DO read my blog, LOL, because the box was full of beautiful leather bound copies of different religious texts-The Koran, The Torah, the Bhagavad Gita, The Dhammapada, the Tao Te Ching and a couple of texts on the Christian faith. I was pretty excited!!! I plan on starting my reading once I’m done throwing both kids’ birthday parties in another month or two and I’m looking forward to my spiritual exploration. My agnostic belief system is strongly based on the fact that I feel there is no one religion and that, if God does exist, he accepts all forms of spirituality. Thus, I feel in order to be truly well rounded, we should be able to see things from all different spiritual points of view. I will be happy when I can acknowledge that I don’t just believe that, but that I also live it.
Note: Yes, I openly admit, I am one of those people who takes pictures just for
their blog. Yes, you can laugh, even make fun if you like. I would if I were
you. ;)
The two go together in a way. I am working on both. They are both very personal journeys for me and neither have been easy. As part of this, I’ve been reading The Four Agreements and its companion books- all of which I highly recommend. They are really fantastic for helping you look at the world in a different way. I may or may not write more about this later. As I said, these have been a bit more personal.
Item 12- Maintain the outside...
My goal to maintain my exterior as well as my interior, though somewhat narcissistic in nature, was one of my goals nonetheless. I could say that as a strong woman and a strong supporter of the idea that women should not give into the societal/ media inspired ideals and pressures of perfection, I shun the entire notion of outward improvement. I DO embrace the beauty in all women no matter what shape, size or age she may be. I absolutely do. But, I will also admit, I fall prey to vanity. And thus, I made looking good one of my goals. I won’t deny it and I won’t apologize for it. If I want to look good, then that’s my right as a woman. On that note, I will say the process itself is going quite well. My goal was to get in shape and make 30 look good. Since I posted my 30 list, I’ve lost nearly 20lbs and my dance class has helped tone me up a bit as well. I don’t get out of breath as easily and I’m fitting into sizes I haven’t worn since high school. Call it vanity, call it pride, call it what you want- but I’m happier with my body now than I have been in all of my life and I sure as heck can’t complain about that!
On a final note, I’m adding one additional item to my 30 List.
So that’s it, my update for now. I plan to keep on progressing on the items I’ve started on thus far and also to start thinking about those I haven’t. Maybe in another month or so I’ll have another update for you. J
Getting Started on my 30 List
My 30th birthday is now less than a month away. I'm actually looking forward to it. I've been thinking and saying "I'm almost 30" for almost a year now, so screw this almost thing, I'm ready to be there. Bring on my 30's.
My 30 List was created as a way to get myself to step outside the box; to do a few things in my life that I normally wouldn't for one reason or another. I figured I'd start with some of the easy ones first and work my way up. Number 3 on the list was to take a belly dancing class. I recruited my friend Andrea as my partner in crime for this one. No one else had the balls, lol. The class officially starts this Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to it. Things have been a bit crazy in my life lately and it will be nice to do something fun that can help me laugh and blow off a little steam. I'll take my camera and take pics. Then you can laugh at us too. ;) Look forward to that.
The 30 List
With 30 looming on the horizon, I'm creating for myself what I call my "30 List". Somewhat like the Bucket List, but instead of being things to do before I die, they are things to do so that I can truly live. I've always believed in living passionately, in following your dreams and doing what you love; in living without regrets. But somewhere along the road to adulthood, I lost that and fell into the humdrum pattern of grown up life. I find myself going through the motions, but not really living; looking forward to the next day while not doing anything to truly enjoy the current one. Life has gotten so hectic that it seems it's all I can do just to keep up. But life should not just be about keeping up. When you suddenly realize that 1/3 of your life is gone and all you did was try to keep up with it- well that's just depressing.
So I set about examining the way that I was living my life and what things in it were holding me back from being truly happy. What were my fears, my insecurities, what things were preventing me from being me? I recently read a book by Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements, which teaches you four life philosophies to follow in order to live your life to the fullest. They were simple tenants, yet not as simple to follow.
Be true in all that you say.
Do not take what others say personally.
Do not make assumptions.
Do your best in all that you do.
It teaches that we all see our life based on the things that have been told to us by others and our assumptions as to what those things mean. We adjust our view of ourselves and our lives based on this picture we create, rather than our internal knowledge of ourself and our abilities. In following the four agreements, you are taught how to shrug off the picture you have built based on others' perceptions and build your own, thus allowing you to be yourself, to love and live life without fear of rejection and without the internal punishment for things outside of our control. That's just a tiny synopsis and I really think everyone should read the book to see what it's really like. It is pretty eye opening.
But back on topic- The 30 List. I examined my life and looked at what assumptions I'd made, what fears and insecurities I had and then I based my 30 List off of this, doing things that would help to contradict those feelings.
So what is on my list? Well, it's not done yet, because like life, it is a work in progress. But for my 30th year of life, I plan on ridding myself of some of the ideas that have held me back little by little over the years. So, in no particular order of importance...
Item 1- Walk across a bridge. Seemingly simple, yes. But for me it represents conquering a lifetime of irrational fear. I have, for as long as I can remember, had a fear of bridges. When we have to cross one, my mind does a quick mental checklist of what I would do first if somehow something were to happen. It's become an almost unconscious response. And it's so strong that during one of my family vacations where we visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, I refused to walk over it, riding the aerial tram across instead. Truly a perfect representation of how irrational my fear is- I'd rather ride in a little box hanging on a wire over a thousand feet above the canyon floor than cross over a nice, sturdy bridge. And so, this year, I'm going to walk across a bridge. It seems like a small, simple thing, but for me it is taking a 30 year old fear and putting it in its place.
Item 2- Give blood. I have always had a fear of needles. I cannot look as they take my blood, especially not while they're inserting the needle. I pass out instantly. Because of this, I've never given blood. I consider the act to be something everyone should do. One small way we can give and really help others without hardly any self sacrifice. But I've always made excuses to keep myself from doing it because of my fear of needles. This year I plan on giving blood and not just once. I'm going to do it until I can look over at the needle in my arm and not pass out. I find it absolutely ridiculous that I've given birth twice but am afraid to give blood. Silly. And so this year I'm going to do it.
Item 3- Take a belly dancing class. This one I want to do for multiple reasons. First off, I've always thought it would be really fun, but I've never had the guts to do it. Second, it's an expression of femininity and sensuality, which this tired mommy could use. And third, because I'm the type of person that is nervous about doing anything in front of others, this would force me out of my shy little corner.
Item 4- Volunteer. I really shouldn't even need a reason for this one. It's something we all should do. Though life isn't always easy for any of us, we all need to remember that there are people out there who are not as lucky as we are and time is something that we can all give.
Item 5- Go skydiving. I think this is one of those items that appears on most people's list when they think of things to do to celebrate the aging process. Nothing makes you feel younger than doing something a little crazy and stupid. Of course, tandem diving is totally safe, but I'm guessing it feels no less frightening to the first time jumper. There was a time in my life when I was afraid of virtually nothing. I gave my parents a good deal of their gray hair by scaling up and down the faces of rocks and I even defied my own fear of drowning by going white water rafting (something I'd love to do again, though the idea frightens me more now than it did then). But as I got older and the realization of my mortality set in, I lost that attitude. I'm sure part of that is nature's preservation process. If we all were in risk taking mode forever, our lifespan would definitely decrease. But at least we'd be getting the most out of life.
Item 6- Reopen Floresco. It was a giant leap of faith for me when I opened my little business in 2006. Putting myself out there to be judged was not something I did easily. But amazingly, it worked out. My business did well and my customers loved the work. I finally felt like I was doing something I loved and could be proud of. And taking that chance, putting myself and my ego on the line and then succeeding was a huge boost for my confidence. A reminder that we can all have what we want in life if we really try. When I became pregnant with Zoey I decided to temporarily close up shop. The exhaustion that comes along with pregnancy and having a 2 year old and a full time job made it near impossible to keep up and I felt like my orders were taking longer to produce and I was enjoying what I did less. I knew then it was time to take a break and make a point to spend more time with my family. I don't regret that decision at all. But now I have a lot of work to do to get my business up and going again and with my life busier than ever, it will be hard to find the time. Yet I feel like if I do not reopen Floresco, I'll be letting go of a dream that I worked so hard to achieve in the first place. So my goal is to reopen for business in late spring. Fingers crossed that it happens!
Item 7- Do karaoke sober. I'm admittedly terrified of singing in front of others. TERRIFIED. I love to sing and though I'm not horrible at it, the only time I've ever been goaded into doing karaoke is when I've been drinking. So with the thought of every fear that I conquer being a step towards a stronger me, I'm thinking this should be something I do.
Item 8- Start sketching again. I used to love to draw and would spend hours pencil in hand creating. Unfortunately, after a year as an art student and the styles of my various professors being forced upon me, I turned away from the pursuit completely. It was probably 5 years before I picked up a pencil again and I've never sat down and created as I once did. Now that I'm almost done with my craft room and have a beautiful space to work in and an easel which I bought shortly after my college graduation in 2002, I figured it's high time I pick myself up some charcoal and get back to doing what I love. If life is about living passionately, then we should do the things which inspire us and bring passion into our lives.
Item 9- Study religion. I've written in the past about my agnostic beliefs as far as faith is concerned and how I'd like to study the different aspects of spirituality and religion. I continue to seek a greater understanding of religion, to further understand not just the psychology and the history behind it, but also to increase my own spiritual connection.
Item 10- Let go. There are many experiences in my past, both recent and long ago, which continue to affect the way I see myself and as a result, the way I live my life. This year I plan to let things go. It seems so simple to say, but is incredibly difficult to do. The things from long ago have molded my personality; have created aspects of me as I am today. However, they are not positive aspects, and so I know that I have to let them go. The more recent things simply prevent me from realizing what a great life I already have.
Miguel Ruiz said that we need to examine what things in our life that have lead to the fears and insecurities we feel and what social masks we wear to protect ourselves. Then imagine what it would be like if we were to remove those masks. Who would we be? What more could we achieve if we were to truly live life as we wished. Face life with heart open and no longer fear rejection. We can have that if we are able to let go of the things that have made us wear those masks. So this year will be about closure and letting go of the things in my life that have kept me from growing and from living life to the fullest. This may be the hardest item on the list and will most likely take much longer than my 30th year of life to achieve. But if I can do it, it will be well worth the work.
Item 11- Go after what I want. Along with letting go, there is also the need to go after the things that I want in life. This goal is something that I plan on keeping throughout the rest of my life. I used to believe that you could have whatever it was in life that you wanted, so long as you worked hard enough for it. This belief was subsequently crushed by the real world and my not getting what I wanted time and time again. But looking back, I feel like I simply gave up too easily on things. I took one failure and let that tell me I couldn’t have what I wanted, rather than taking it as a challenge. We cannot always get what we want so easily. The key lies in the words “so long as you work hard for it”. Giving up at the first rejection is NOT working for it. If we really want something, we have to be willing to try, to face rejection head on and then try again. If we truly want something bad enough, we should be willing to face whatever the universe throws our way in order to get it.
Item 12- Maintain the outside as well as the inside. I looked in the mirror about 3 months ago and the girl I saw there LOOKED like she should be turning 30- tired, frumpy and all together lackluster. The stereotypical harried mother. Dark circles under my eyes, sweat pants and a ponytail, glasses and no makeup, post-pregnancy pudge.... this is NOT the girl I used to be!! Man, the things children do to you!! So I immediately resolved to make sure when I turned 30 that I looked good doing it. I wasn't going to fall into the parenthood trap of wearing whatever was at the top of the laundry basket and not caring what I looked like. No way. I know, it sounds horribly vain. But consider this- There is a part of us that judges our entire being based on what we see each time we walk past the mirror. Like it or not, this is true. And each time I passed by that mirror and saw myself, a little bit more of my self-esteem took a hit.
And so this one I decided to start working on right away. Of all the others, I figured this one would be the most simple to fix. Outside stuff is easy, right? Well, sort of. It definitely has required a bit more maintenance of self than I’d been accustomed to since becoming a mom. I had to really focus on avoiding emotional eating (stress reduction = ice cream was a philosophy I had to put to rest) and on becoming healthy. I made a point of not just doing the bare minimum of what I had to each morning before work to avoid looking like hell. Heck, I even started shaving my legs on a regular basis!!! You laugh, but ask all the moms out there- how often do you shave? I’m guessing the days between, especially during the winter, are awfully high. After all, who has time to take care of themselves while trying to maintain an entire family? I found that it was actually possible, but it meant giving up an extra 40 minutes or so of my evenings each night. At first I wasn’t too thrilled at this idea, but once I finally started walking past the mirror and liking what I saw again, I figured that time was well worth it.
My goal on this one now is to get my behind back on the treadmill and get a little more exercise. Not that battling my three year old with light sabers in his latest storyline of good vs. evil or killing my back while holding the hands of my walking 8 month old aren’t exercise. I would just like to be able to walk up the stairs to my office without finding myself out of breath.
And so, for now, that is my 30 List. Like I said before, it is a work in progress, much like my life. The examination, understanding and growth of one’s self is never ending and my list will grow and change as I do. The important step is in moving towards living and away from that which holds us back. Here’s to turning 30. Cheers!
