Rambling thoughts on devotion...

For most of my life I have been what is defined as an agnostic. I believe in god, but not in organized religion. This is not a conclusion I came to quickly, but rather one that came about through my experiences growing up and was reaffirmed through courses I took in college. I grew up in the Christian church and am baptized into Presbyterianism, so my view of god is based on the Christian views. However, the older I am and the more I look around, the more I feel that there simply cannot be one right religion. If there truly is a god, and I like to think there is, and he is as forgiving and loving as we are taught, then I cannot believe that he would accept only those who worship him under one specific name and cast all the others out. So a large part of my disassociation with organized religion comes from my belief that I cannot accept something that damns such a large segment of the human population.

Recently I’ve been doing a lot of thought about god and about religion, much of which was brought about by my pregnancy with Zoey and continued after she was born when they told us there were holes in her heart. From the very start I was given warning after warning about things that were not as they should be and precautions I needed to take to avoid miscarrying or harm being done to my precious little baby. There were tests and diagnoses and tests and tests and tests. And with these tests began my nightly discussions with god. My pregnancy with Zan was flawless and, save the normal discomforts that go along with pregnancy (and there are many), the experience was a good one. The labor was long and horrible, but in the end I had a very healthy little boy. And so I had very little stress or worry with him and very little reason to turn to prayer. This time was all incredibly different.

Maybe it was because I was already a mom and didn’t want my son to see my fear. I think a child should never be burdened with the emotions of his parents. Children feel so much emotion already that they do not know how to deal with. They don’t need to take on the weight of their parents’ worries as well. So I stayed strong outwardly. Part of doing that was pretending not to be terrified in front of everyone. People would ask me how I was doing and I would let them know I was doing fine, just a little worried. Though really, inside I was screaming and crying, terrified that something could go wrong or be wrong with my little girl. Why I didn’t turn to those around me for comfort I still don’t know. Some of it was that by nature I am a rather private person as far as my emotions are involved. But also, I think as a defense mechanism, to keep myself from worrying to my mental breaking point, I just didn’t talk much about it. I gave the facts to people, but rarely shared how truly frightened I was. That I kept inside. I ended each night with a discussion. I’m not sure it would be classified as prayer, though I definitely prayed for my little girl. It seemed that the more frightening the words the doctors said, the more turned inward and hid what I felt and what I feared. And so I turned to god. I prayed that my little girl would be healthy and that if she had to be born with something wrong, that it would be fixable, no matter what the expense. I prayed this each and every night and I found some comfort in thinking that what was meant to be would be and the hope that I would not be given more than I could handle. And in the end, it all turned out ok. Zoey was born healthy. She was small, but grew very fast. They said she had two holes in her heart, but with time, one closed up and the other got small enough for little worry. So, after all of that, I started to wonder if I might not owe a little back in return for what I was given.

At first I considered returning to church. I truly considered this option and discussed it with my even more agnostic husband, as well as a few church going friends. I started thinking about what churches I might visit and checking them out online (everything is online nowadays!). I wanted something that would fit with my views; that wouldn’t make me compromise my core beliefs. I’m pretty liberal in my thinking and though I’m somewhat conservative in my own behavior, I am pretty open to the idea that people should live the way they want to live and I don’t like to conform to views simply because someone else says I should. And so I had to find some where that embraced my opinion that god was as open and accepting as I felt he was; somewhere where man didn’t pass judgment on others. One thing that has always turned me away from organized religion was that it seems that within it man uses god as his excuse to condemn others for holding views that they don’t hold or living a lifestyle they don’t subscribe to. I never understood how you could preach love thy neighbor and then turn around and condemn them. And so my feelings about the hypocrisy of many who practice organized religion ,which originally turned me away from the church ,also left me hesitating about my return.

Then the other day I found myself discussing Ramadan with a friend and the month of fasting that she and her entire family participated in as part of their Muslim faith. I knew that they were not allowed to eat from sun up to sunset, but I did not know that the fast included not allowing ANYTHING to enter the body during that time. So not only can they not eat food, but also no water or other drinks, no smoking, no sex, and a whole list of other items. If you are exempt from the fast (you’re pregnant, ill, etc.), you have to make up the days at a later time and breaking this fast means additional fasting time. It’s truly a sacrifice, especially considering it lasts an entire month. Part of the reason that they do this fast is to reflect on those whose lives are less fortunate than our own; those who go without on a daily basis but not by choice. Giving to charity is another large part of Ramadan. Each family must give a certain amount to help others, and the amount is determined by the family’s wealth. Even the poor families give, because there is always someone out there who is less fortunate. This self sacrifice and kindness to others helps bring them closer to god and his teachings.

After having this discussion, I found myself really thinking about what god really wants of us. While it is true that I could go to church each Sunday and state my devotion, wouldn’t it be better for me to show my thanks to him in a way that helps others? To me that seems like a better way to show my gratitude for the gifts that I’ve been given. In both high school and college I did volunteer work helping the less fortunate in one way or another and it always made me feel like I was making a difference. As humans, we tend to think that our own plights are the be all to end all, often forgetting that there are plenty of others out there who have it so much worse. We get so wrapped up in our own self-pity that we shut our eyes to the ways that we are fortunate. If we were all forced to fast, to give up our self-absorbed lifestyles for even a few days, perhaps the world would be a better place. Perhaps we would remember to think outside our own lives. And perhaps we would take the time to do something to make a difference in the lives of others. If we were each to do this, even once in a while, what an amazing difference we could make in the world. It’s easy to think I am only one person, what difference could I really make… but if we all think this way and walk around assuming that someone else is going to take care of it if we don’t, then nothing will happen. The world will continue to be as it is now- full of greed and hate and self-absorbed notions.

And so I find myself now wondering, since I do not have much in the way of free time, does it make me a bad Christian to choose to spend my time in volunteer work rather than going to church? To many it would. I have always believed that it shouldn’t matter if you go to church, so long as you show your devotion in the way you live your life. Do unto others. Be kind to those around you, no matter what their situation in life. The world is my church and the way I interact with it my first step in showing devotion. And so this month I plan to start my search for the ways in which I can affect the lives of those around me who are not as fortunate. Perhaps I will post here to let you know how it goes.