To say it's been a while since I've done this blog thing is a rather decent understatement. Comparable to me thinking the single working mom thing would be a bit tough.
Life. It's busy. It's stressful. It's difficult doing all of this on my own. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm broke as hell. I bust my ass from the time my alarm goes off at 6:10am till I fall into bed each night sometime after 10pm (and even then, rarely is there a night when my children aren't up in the middle of the night for one reason or another). I can't remember the last time I did something even resembling my former hobbies... though I aspire to. I long to find the time and maybe, just maybe, once I'm organized and my house is clean and I'm caught up on paperwork... and my children are in college... I will.
But here's the funny thing. I've never been happier. Never felt stronger. Never been more sure of myself than I am at this moment. Because I'm doing this. I'm handling it and surviving it despite it all and, in that, I'm becoming my own person. A much stronger person. And that's a really, really good thing. And though this whole thing is hard as hell (even that may be an understatement), I'm incredibly optimistic about my future.
I keep saying I'm doing this all on my own. I suppose that is not totally true. Yes, I'm a single mom and yes, each day I take care of my kids and my house and my job and my life all on my own physically. But emotionally I am anything but alone. That's one thing I've found in all of this. In the life I lived preceding this one, I was very private and rarely let anyone in. Not really, truly in. I didn't talk about my problems, my unhappiness, my anything that wasn't happy-go-lucky. It wasn't until shortly before my marriage ended that I really started to talk with my girlfriends and my family. And after the split, when I found that I couldn't do it all on my own and keep sane, I discovered how much people really wanted to be there for me. And slowly I learned how to humble myself to ask for and accept help. Slowly I started to open up the truth of my world to others. Select others. And in those darkest of days following the split, when sometimes I wasn't sure I had the strength to make it through, that I'd been tested too heavily and was failing, I realized I could turn to my girls and my family and they were there to listen. And each and every time, they lifted me back up and set me on my feet and reminded me that I could handle all of this. That I was handling all of this. And that all I really had to do was put one foot in front of the other and take things one day at a time. And so I did. And with each step, each moment, each day that I survived it, I grew. And so too did those relationships.
Through our trials we find our true self. I've learned so much from all of this. Come so much further than I ever thought I could in this first year and a half since the split. I'm growing into the sort of woman I always wanted to be- the woman I portrayed on the outside. Except now it's inside too. And it's real. It's me.
And Amongst the Ashes, I Found Myself
Mirroring Life
I've said many times when discussing the creation of artwork with people, it's not so much the end result, but the process of creation that makes a piece of art what it is. In the beginning, you have an idea, an inspiration. You sit before your canvas, drawing out your lines, creating, erasing, smudging, changing over and over, until in the end what you have before you may be nothing at all like you originally envisioned- and yet it is ten million times better because of the process you took to get there. It reflects you and the inspiration you felt far more than that original mental picture. And because of this, it is in fact far greater. And that is what makes it art.
Life itself follows this same path. We begin in our youth with a rosy little picture of what we want our lives to someday be like. Then that vision meets with the real world, faces challenge, rejection, love, loss, a million new moments of inspiration and we change our path over and over, deviating slightly- or vastly- from the plan. As we create our future, we learn, we grow, we change, we erase and smudge... we falter sometimes, lamenting in the fact that our lives are nothing at all like we envisioned the would be. The downfall comes in our inability to step back and see that though it's not at all like we'd once planned, what we have created is so often so much more amazing than what we originally envisioned. And the end piece is made up of so much more than just what we see- so much of life, like art, is the journey we take.
Don't get lost in the original vision and fail to see what you've created. Remember once in a while to take a step back. And remember, you are still creating...
My life in boxes now...
Packing up my life again… it’s been emotional each time. Last summer I left my marital home to go out on my own for the first time. Now I pack up my little rental house, the first place I called my own and experienced life alone, and I move away from the town that has been a part of my life since my college years. I truly am closing the door on that time. It’s difficult. Bittersweet. I leave behind a lot; Memories of half my lifetime. I am only moving an hour away, but that’s not the point. This move is symbolic of me and my fresh start. It’s both exciting and frightening and I find myself teary eyed often as I pack my life away into boxes and bins. I’m fortunate that my family starts hitting town in just a few hours- it will be nice to have them here, not just to pack and move furniture.
My children are excited about the move. Zan has known for ages that he would move when he was six (projected date his father’s degree completion) and so this was totally expected to him. In fact, as time grew closer to his new age, he would ask when we were moving. He turned six yesterday. We move Saturday. They’re both excited. They like the new house and the idea of new surroundings. I don’t think they fully grasp what this means as far as how often they’ll see their father. I’m hoping they’ll handle it okay. It may be a rough summer.
This last week has been an emotional one anyway, having unexpectedly lost someone I consider family. Throw that into the mix with all the emotions I’m feeling over the move and you’ve got yourself one fun weekend. I’m sure I’ll need a beer... or three.
On the Move... Again
I did start this blog with the hopes of actually updating it more frequently than I do. Sadly, this is not the case. I have high hopes that one day it will be. Darn life for always getting in the way.
In brief, this is my life- my divorce was finalized a few months back, my house was sold a few weeks later. I'm venturing out into the single world, gingerly so, knowing that it's a scary and unfamiliar place, but that it will be fun too.Trying out this dating thing- what a world that is!!! Single motherhood is still rough, but I'm adjusting. Exhausted, but adjusting. I'm also in the process of moving closer to work- which will add over 2 hours to my day and (at this point) about $600 a month to my bank account. My lease there started this month and my lease here ends after the first week of June. I'm slowly moving a ton of stuff and reorganizing my life yet again. Leaving Champaign-Urbana is bittersweet for many reasons. I look back at my life one year ago and think how far I have come... then I look ahead and know how far I have yet to go. But I know I can handle it, come what may. I've already made it this far, haven't I?
It's Been A While
It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. Of this I am well aware. I’m still just trying to find a balance between working full time and doing the single mom thing, dealing with legal stuff from the divorce and the house, taking on too much as always and still trying to live life to the fullest without killing myself off, LOL. I promise to be back on soon. Life is slowly getting better. Thanks for staying tuned.
