Dear Life,
You almost had me there for a minute. Almost.
Things have definitely been challenging these last few weeks (or rather, MORE challenging). Take acclimating to being a single mom, all that fun divorce stuff, and a house that won’t sell, add in an accident that totaled my car, a vomiting child, and a raging migraine all within a 24-hour time span and you left me feeling pretty damned defeated. I’ll admit, I did an awful lot of crying.
You really truly did almost have me there. For a while I was caught up in myself, letting things pull me down into the depths of despair. You left me feeling vulnerable, afraid, unsure of myself and what to do, wondering if I really could handle it all. But my family and friends were there to support me. They were there, rallying around me, reminding me of the things I had so quickly forgotten- that I’m not the kind of girl who gives in to self-pity. I’m not the kind of girl who lets life stand in my way- if I can’t do something one way, I’ll just find another. I’m not the girl who gives up when the going gets tough. I never ever have been. I’m stubborn and I take pride in my ability to persevere, no matter what life throws my way- and believe me, it’s thrown me some serious stuff. But as my best friend reminded me earlier this week, “You always come through all of the shit that is thrown at you with a shovel in your hands and a smile on your face.” And that’s what I’d almost forgotten. That I can do this, because I’ve ALWAYS done this.
Nothing ever seems to have come my way easily. That’s not a complaint- though I will admit to complaining plenty at the time! Rather, it’s a good thing, because it means I’ve had to bust my ass for everything I have. And while to some that might not seem to be a good thing, I know deep down that it is my struggles that have made me strong. It’s all the stuff I’ve had to endure, had to work for, had to suffer through, which have made me able to handle things now when life’s even tougher. And it’s the fact that no matter what, I’ve always made it through with a smart-ass attitude and a smile on my face. Always.
Yep, world, you almost had me. I almost forgot who I was. But now that I remember, watch out, because I’m not taking your shit anymore- at least not without my smile and my shovel.
Love and kisses,
Stacy
Dear Life...
Inquiring Mind...
I go back and forth between what I want to put in my blog. Should I just stick to the cheery, upbeat, funny stuff or tell it how it really is? I find myself writing entries, only to never publish them because I care far too much about what the world thinks of me. It’s funny, because really the only people who read this thing are my family and a select group of friends and I should know they won’t judge… but still…
And so I am curious. Should I stick to the little stuff or simply throw it all out there, opinions be damned? Should I let you see my vulnerable side (that’s a tough one for me) or just continue to show the smart-assed, strong woman side? If you know the train wreck that is my life, see that I am not that strong, know that it’s not that easy, will you think differently of me?
Post here. Message me. Email me. Let me know. I am curious.
I Ate a Cookie... and Life's a Bitch
I sat in on a conversation recently where some friends were complaining about the fact that so many people post random, pointless things as their status messages on Facebook. They talk about what they ate for breakfast or post song lyrics as they come to mind. I kept my mouth shut during this conversation and didn’t say a word.
The fact of the matter is I’m one of THOSE people. It’s not that I have nothing deep to say- I just follow the rule that if you don’t want the entire world to know it, you don’t post it on Facebook. Most of my personal life falls into this category. I’m a highly private person in that regard and prefer to keep certain aspects of my life open to only my closest friends. The fact that I posted at all on Facebook that I was getting a divorce was a HUGE deviation from the norm for me. Yet, I felt it needed to be done and FB was the easiest way to tell a good number of people without repeating the same thing over and over and dealing with the emotion that comes with it.
What I wanted to say to these friends of mine having their Facebook status convo was that, at least in my case, often the more pointless my status, the more likely it is that something big is going on in my life. Perhaps I want to stay in touch with the world, hear words of encouragement or things that will make me laugh, but I don’t want to admit that this particular day has been an emotional hell for me and that that is why I am reaching out. My life is not peachy and things are not easy, though my statuses may be easy going. It’s just that this part of my life is private and shared with the few people in it that I truly trust.
In truth, I also post about the trivial because posting anything other than that lately seems only to encourage people to dislike me and what I am saying. I am the one who filed for divorce, so on days when I’m feeling not so grand and I happen to post about it, it often garners the private response that I have no right to complain or feel as I do, because the choice to end my marriage was my own. In turn, should I happen to have the gall to post about some personal success or moment of happiness, I hear that I am rubbing it in his face. Honestly people, I’m just living my life as best I can. I find myself having a hard time dealing with the fact that people are so quick to judge without ever asking my side of the story. Not that I would be quick to share if they did.
I knew when I finally made my decision that it came with consequences. I weighed each and every one time and time again. I knew that I would have to accept that there would be those who would never care to hear my side of the story, even if I offered it up to them. That there would be those who now hated me simply on principal. Even those who I had loved would be lost to me. I knew I would be the bad guy in all of this, because I was the one who petitioned. I knew that was the sacrifice I would make. I went in eyes open. Know this when you judge me and my decision. It wasn’t made lightly.
My friends say I care too much about what other people think and they are absolutely right. This is how I have always been and I’m not sure I will change all that much, though I am trying. So much of the time I don’t say what I want, because I spend too much time worrying about how it will affect everyone else. What if something I say upsets someone? What if they think poorly of me based on what I thought at some random time on some random day? What if my happiness makes someone else unhappy? I take it all to heart and probably always will. It’s in my nature. It’s also part of what ruined my marriage. My friends tell me it is not my job to keep everyone else happy- but it is a hard habit to break. I have lived that way my entire life. So ponder this… if I, who hate conflict and care too much about what others think, knew there would be drama, knew people would hate me, knew people would hurt… why would I do it? Why did I ask for a divorce? It begs the question, is there another side to the story? I say this not because I want to shift blame. I don’t wish to give details, nor do I want you to take sides. I only want you to stop and consider all this for a moment before you choose to think poorly of me for posting that I had a good day.
And so it is, just as it was in my own parents’ marriage and divorce- what goes on behind closed doors stays that way and no one is the wiser. There are days that I long to shout to those who disapprove of my decision, “But you don’t understand! You don’t KNOW!!!” But just as I lived my marriage, so too do I handle my divorce- quietly, any not-so-pretty details kept under wraps, polite and friendly smile to the world. I post my pointless, mundane statuses on Facebook to hide the emotions now, just as I always have. It avoids conflict. Keeps things civil. To let any of it spill out would cause too much drama and more hurt, and really there is no point in that. And so I sit there quietly and let people judge me. Let them say I shouldn’t be happy or shouldn’t be sad. Or find me ridiculous for posting that I ate a cookie.
But it WAS a good cookie.
