The 30 List

With 30 looming on the horizon, I'm creating for myself what I call my "30 List". Somewhat like the Bucket List, but instead of being things to do before I die, they are things to do so that I can truly live. I've always believed in living passionately, in following your dreams and doing what you love; in living without regrets. But somewhere along the road to adulthood, I lost that and fell into the humdrum pattern of grown up life. I find myself going through the motions, but not really living; looking forward to the next day while not doing anything to truly enjoy the current one. Life has gotten so hectic that it seems it's all I can do just to keep up. But life should not just be about keeping up. When you suddenly realize that 1/3 of your life is gone and all you did was try to keep up with it- well that's just depressing.

So I set about examining the way that I was living my life and what things in it were holding me back from being truly happy. What were my fears, my insecurities, what things were preventing me from being me? I recently read a book by Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements, which teaches you four life philosophies to follow in order to live your life to the fullest. They were simple tenants, yet not as simple to follow.

Be true in all that you say.
Do not take what others say personally.
Do not make assumptions.
Do your best in all that you do.

It teaches that we all see our life based on the things that have been told to us by others and our assumptions as to what those things mean. We adjust our view of ourselves and our lives based on this picture we create, rather than our internal knowledge of ourself and our abilities. In following the four agreements, you are taught how to shrug off the picture you have built based on others' perceptions and build your own, thus allowing you to be yourself, to love and live life without fear of rejection and without the internal punishment for things outside of our control. That's just a tiny synopsis and I really think everyone should read the book to see what it's really like. It is pretty eye opening.

But back on topic- The 30 List. I examined my life and looked at what assumptions I'd made, what fears and insecurities I had and then I based my 30 List off of this, doing things that would help to contradict those feelings.

So what is on my list? Well, it's not done yet, because like life, it is a work in progress. But for my 30th year of life, I plan on ridding myself of some of the ideas that have held me back little by little over the years. So, in no particular order of importance...

Item 1- Walk across a bridge. Seemingly simple, yes. But for me it represents conquering a lifetime of irrational fear. I have, for as long as I can remember, had a fear of bridges. When we have to cross one, my mind does a quick mental checklist of what I would do first if somehow something were to happen. It's become an almost unconscious response. And it's so strong that during one of my family vacations where we visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, I refused to walk over it, riding the aerial tram across instead. Truly a perfect representation of how irrational my fear is- I'd rather ride in a little box hanging on a wire over a thousand feet above the canyon floor than cross over a nice, sturdy bridge. And so, this year, I'm going to walk across a bridge. It seems like a small, simple thing, but for me it is taking a 30 year old fear and putting it in its place.

Item 2- Give blood. I have always had a fear of needles. I cannot look as they take my blood, especially not while they're inserting the needle. I pass out instantly. Because of this, I've never given blood. I consider the act to be something everyone should do. One small way we can give and really help others without hardly any self sacrifice. But I've always made excuses to keep myself from doing it because of my fear of needles. This year I plan on giving blood and not just once. I'm going to do it until I can look over at the needle in my arm and not pass out. I find it absolutely ridiculous that I've given birth twice but am afraid to give blood. Silly. And so this year I'm going to do it.

Item 3- Take a belly dancing class. This one I want to do for multiple reasons. First off, I've always thought it would be really fun, but I've never had the guts to do it. Second, it's an expression of femininity and sensuality, which this tired mommy could use. And third, because I'm the type of person that is nervous about doing anything in front of others, this would force me out of my shy little corner.

Item 4- Volunteer. I really shouldn't even need a reason for this one. It's something we all should do. Though life isn't always easy for any of us, we all need to remember that there are people out there who are not as lucky as we are and time is something that we can all give.

Item 5- Go skydiving. I think this is one of those items that appears on most people's list when they think of things to do to celebrate the aging process. Nothing makes you feel younger than doing something a little crazy and stupid. Of course, tandem diving is totally safe, but I'm guessing it feels no less frightening to the first time jumper. There was a time in my life when I was afraid of virtually nothing. I gave my parents a good deal of their gray hair by scaling up and down the faces of rocks and I even defied my own fear of drowning by going white water rafting (something I'd love to do again, though the idea frightens me more now than it did then). But as I got older and the realization of my mortality set in, I lost that attitude. I'm sure part of that is nature's preservation process. If we all were in risk taking mode forever, our lifespan would definitely decrease. But at least we'd be getting the most out of life.

Item 6- Reopen Floresco. It was a giant leap of faith for me when I opened my little business in 2006. Putting myself out there to be judged was not something I did easily. But amazingly, it worked out. My business did well and my customers loved the work. I finally felt like I was doing something I loved and could be proud of. And taking that chance, putting myself and my ego on the line and then succeeding was a huge boost for my confidence. A reminder that we can all have what we want in life if we really try. When I became pregnant with Zoey I decided to temporarily close up shop. The exhaustion that comes along with pregnancy and having a 2 year old and a full time job made it near impossible to keep up and I felt like my orders were taking longer to produce and I was enjoying what I did less. I knew then it was time to take a break and make a point to spend more time with my family. I don't regret that decision at all. But now I have a lot of work to do to get my business up and going again and with my life busier than ever, it will be hard to find the time. Yet I feel like if I do not reopen Floresco, I'll be letting go of a dream that I worked so hard to achieve in the first place. So my goal is to reopen for business in late spring. Fingers crossed that it happens!

Item 7- Do karaoke sober. I'm admittedly terrified of singing in front of others. TERRIFIED. I love to sing and though I'm not horrible at it, the only time I've ever been goaded into doing karaoke is when I've been drinking. So with the thought of every fear that I conquer being a step towards a stronger me, I'm thinking this should be something I do.

Item 8- Start sketching again. I used to love to draw and would spend hours pencil in hand creating. Unfortunately, after a year as an art student and the styles of my various professors being forced upon me, I turned away from the pursuit completely. It was probably 5 years before I picked up a pencil again and I've never sat down and created as I once did. Now that I'm almost done with my craft room and have a beautiful space to work in and an easel which I bought shortly after my college graduation in 2002, I figured it's high time I pick myself up some charcoal and get back to doing what I love. If life is about living passionately, then we should do the things which inspire us and bring passion into our lives.

Item 9- Study religion. I've written in the past about my agnostic beliefs as far as faith is concerned and how I'd like to study the different aspects of spirituality and religion. I continue to seek a greater understanding of religion, to further understand not just the psychology and the history behind it, but also to increase my own spiritual connection.

Item 10- Let go. There are many experiences in my past, both recent and long ago, which continue to affect the way I see myself and as a result, the way I live my life. This year I plan to let things go. It seems so simple to say, but is incredibly difficult to do. The things from long ago have molded my personality; have created aspects of me as I am today. However, they are not positive aspects, and so I know that I have to let them go. The more recent things simply prevent me from realizing what a great life I already have.

Miguel Ruiz said that we need to examine what things in our life that have lead to the fears and insecurities we feel and what social masks we wear to protect ourselves. Then imagine what it would be like if we were to remove those masks. Who would we be? What more could we achieve if we were to truly live life as we wished. Face life with heart open and no longer fear rejection. We can have that if we are able to let go of the things that have made us wear those masks. So this year will be about closure and letting go of the things in my life that have kept me from growing and from living life to the fullest. This may be the hardest item on the list and will most likely take much longer than my 30th year of life to achieve. But if I can do it, it will be well worth the work.

Item 11- Go after what I want. Along with letting go, there is also the need to go after the things that I want in life. This goal is something that I plan on keeping throughout the rest of my life. I used to believe that you could have whatever it was in life that you wanted, so long as you worked hard enough for it. This belief was subsequently crushed by the real world and my not getting what I wanted time and time again. But looking back, I feel like I simply gave up too easily on things. I took one failure and let that tell me I couldn’t have what I wanted, rather than taking it as a challenge. We cannot always get what we want so easily. The key lies in the words “so long as you work hard for it”. Giving up at the first rejection is NOT working for it. If we really want something, we have to be willing to try, to face rejection head on and then try again. If we truly want something bad enough, we should be willing to face whatever the universe throws our way in order to get it.

Item 12- Maintain the outside as well as the inside. I looked in the mirror about 3 months ago and the girl I saw there LOOKED like she should be turning 30- tired, frumpy and all together lackluster. The stereotypical harried mother. Dark circles under my eyes, sweat pants and a ponytail, glasses and no makeup, post-pregnancy pudge.... this is NOT the girl I used to be!! Man, the things children do to you!! So I immediately resolved to make sure when I turned 30 that I looked good doing it. I wasn't going to fall into the parenthood trap of wearing whatever was at the top of the laundry basket and not caring what I looked like. No way. I know, it sounds horribly vain. But consider this- There is a part of us that judges our entire being based on what we see each time we walk past the mirror. Like it or not, this is true. And each time I passed by that mirror and saw myself, a little bit more of my self-esteem took a hit.

And so this one I decided to start working on right away. Of all the others, I figured this one would be the most simple to fix. Outside stuff is easy, right? Well, sort of. It definitely has required a bit more maintenance of self than I’d been accustomed to since becoming a mom. I had to really focus on avoiding emotional eating (stress reduction = ice cream was a philosophy I had to put to rest) and on becoming healthy. I made a point of not just doing the bare minimum of what I had to each morning before work to avoid looking like hell. Heck, I even started shaving my legs on a regular basis!!! You laugh, but ask all the moms out there- how often do you shave? I’m guessing the days between, especially during the winter, are awfully high. After all, who has time to take care of themselves while trying to maintain an entire family? I found that it was actually possible, but it meant giving up an extra 40 minutes or so of my evenings each night. At first I wasn’t too thrilled at this idea, but once I finally started walking past the mirror and liking what I saw again, I figured that time was well worth it.

My goal on this one now is to get my behind back on the treadmill and get a little more exercise. Not that battling my three year old with light sabers in his latest storyline of good vs. evil or killing my back while holding the hands of my walking 8 month old aren’t exercise. I would just like to be able to walk up the stairs to my office without finding myself out of breath.

And so, for now, that is my 30 List. Like I said before, it is a work in progress, much like my life. The examination, understanding and growth of one’s self is never ending and my list will grow and change as I do. The important step is in moving towards living and away from that which holds us back. Here’s to turning 30. Cheers!