It seems that autumn is apparently here. Not much transition this year, unless you count the mild summer we had as fall- in which case we actually got far more than our normal two weeks of the perfect weather that generally marks the start of fall in Illinois. Without a doubt, autumn is my favorite time of year. I am not sure which part I love the most- the end of the unbearable heat and humidity, the changing of the colors, the smell of the earth on a rainy day or those sunny days when you kick through piles of leaves and you are reminded of childhood, back when you jumped head first into towering piles, newly raked by mom and dad (and then got yelled at)… or maybe it’s simply the knowledge that soon the bitter Midwestern winter will begin and last, undoubtedly, for the next six months. This knowledge always makes it so that I treasure every last autumn moment.
When I was younger fall meant camping. Hiking through Starved Rock. Campfires. Girl Scout sleepovers where we froze to death at night but loved every minute of it- especially the chocolate chip campfire pancakes the next morning. I have always looked forward to sharing these same experiences with my kids- though I am a bit impatient waiting for them to get old enough. I can only assume that a one year old does more eating of nature than appreciating it. As it is, at four my son is already a huge fan of campfires (and S’mores) and of jumping in leaf piles.
And so I waited through the summer for the fall, so that I could begin enjoying my favorite time of year. But fall arrived in a rather wet and chilly fashion this year and though I do love the smell of rain in the fall, I would prefer it not occur every day. It’s hard to go walking and enjoy the changing of colors when you are damp and shivering.
And yet, at heart I am an optimist. And even more so an artist. And so despite the dreary pitch that this season has taken, I still find it hard to deny its beauty. Now that I commute for two hours of my day five days a week, I see a lot more of the Midwestern countryside than I ever did before and I notice some of the subtleties that I never did while rushing through all those times before. It’s hard to miss the intensity of the changing leaves- when I lived on the border of Northern Illinois, the autumn colors would literally take my breath away. My college campus was wooded and I loved wandering around taking it all in- though I am not an overly religious person (at least not in the sense of organized religion), in those moments I always felt as if I was particularly close with God. There was an overwhelming sense of peace and calm that came simply from closing my eyes and breathing it all in, listening to the rustling leaves and feeling the cool breeze on my skin. Those moments where the difficulties of grown up life could be shut out and replaced with the simple joys of nature.
But beyond the changing of the leaves, there is so much more to be seen. More than I had ever believed. There is a point in my commute each day when I have to choose which way to go home. My exit has been closed for well over a month now (I will not ruin this entry with my tirade regarding that) and so I have to choose between two alternate routes, both of which put me driving through more countryside than my normal 98% interstate way (and take a good 10 minutes longer- but again, stopping before tirade begins). And though the routes do take longer, they also force me to drive a bit slower and look around- and every single day I have wished for my camera.
On one particular drive it had been raining most of the day, but stopped shortly before I began my commute. The sun was just coming out again and I came up over the crest of a hill to see the fields, newly cut, shimmering a bright gold in the sunlight- against the backdrop of a sky so deep stormy blue that the contrast of the two was near perfect.
Yet another drive revealed to me a picture perfect little white farmhouse- faded but beautiful in its simplicity, with one of those massive old white pine trees that seem to show up occasionally along the central Illinois countryside. It all seemed so serene. Such a perfect little escape from the bustle of normal city life; the sort of place I have always dreamed of buying for my own.
And then there are the tiny details. The way the leaves on the very tips of the trees seem to hang on the longest, standing out in such stark contrast to the bare branches leading out to them. The way the sky manages to look different each morning as the sun rises- some days the colors are brash and dramatic, others are more subtle in their beauty. The clouds that form on both clear days and stormy, reminding me of all the times I sat as a child picking out the figures hidden within them and creating stories. And if you stop and look at all the life around you, fading slowly and folding itself up for the winter, you can see the beauty really is in the details.
I like to think that I am not the only one who often finds themselves caught off guard by the beauty of all that is around us. That I am not the only one lost in dreamstate while staring at the sky. It does, at times, cause a lack of focus on my part- but often I think our lives are far too fast paced and focused once we grow up anyway and it is truly a loss when we move so fast that we miss the details, big or small, subtle or brash, that mother nature throws our way in any season.
On a side note, I have a far more difficult time remaining so inspired by winter… especially by about month four.
Autumn
Take a Flying Leap
It's been ages since I've updated this thing, mostly due to the fact that my new job keeps me amazingly busy. Even my lunch hours go insanely fast! I love it though. And really, truth be told, I could use being kept more busy at the office.
So this is just a tiny update mostly to tell you about my new 30 List accomplishment- or soon to be accomplishment. It turns out my long time BFF Steph is as crazy as I am and was planning on skydiving this summer just as I was! We were both pretty excited to discover the coincidence. So of course, because it's way more fun to do this sort of thing with someone else than it is by yourself (and my husband has announced that there is no way he is going anywhere near the open door of any airplane not on the ground), she and I are going to jump together. Two weeks from today we will be making our jump- actually by this time two weeks from now, I will already have jumped! Craziness. I'm beyond excited. I will, of course, post about how it all went after I've done it.
So until then, here's to living life to the fullest. Wish me luck! :)
Making Progress- The 30 List
I’ve been 30 for nearly a month now and I’m proud to say that I have actually made some progress on this 30 List thing!! For me, the consummate procrastinator, that says an awful lot. So what, you ask, have you done so far Stacy? Ok, so maybe you don’t ask that, because not many people really care about what I do on a daily basis. But let’s pretend for a moment that you DID ask, lol.
Item 3- Take a belly dancing class.
As I mentioned in my last entry, my friend Andrea and I decided to give this one a shot. I have to tell you, it is the MOST fun I’ve had in AGES!!!! We laugh and dance our way through an hour each Tuesday and I leave in the best mood. You can’t wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the evening. It reminds me of why I loved dance so much. There is such an emotional component for me when it comes to dancing and during the moments where I know what I’m doing enough to lose myself, it’s a really great experience- a combination of the femininity and sensuality of the movements and the pure happiness that I feel from dance itself. Needless to say, we’ve had a great time. We loved it so much we signed up for the second course and are now through our second week of Advanced Belly Dance. We even plan on taking the course that follows this one. Now that I’ve remembered why it was that I loved dance so much, I certainly do not plan on stopping. I may even take a ballet class or two once belly dancing is over, so that I can relearn my first love. We’ll have to see how much my husband allows, since it means he has to take care of the kids the evenings I have class.
Some pics for your general amusement-
Andrea and I on our last day of the beginning course, when we got to use veils.
Love the classes enough that now I have some fantastically jingly scarves to
wear- the white one a birthday gift from Andrea and the black one I bought for
myself out of my left over birthday cash. Both make the BEST noise when you
shimmy.
I was testing out the self timer setting on my new fancy pants camera and taking
random "dramatic" shots, lol. And yeah, Scott likes to laugh at pictures where I
try to look serious or sexy. Apparently I only look natural when being goofy. So
you can laugh too. It’s ok. Life is too short to take ourselves so seriously.
No, I haven’t gone yet. But I haven’t changed my mind about it either. And I’ve been saving a little bit of my paycheck each month towards the $200 fee. I now have $125!! I hope to do this one this summer. My husband thinks I am absolutely insane, but I can’t wait!!!
Item 6- Reopen Floresco
This one is difficult. I have revamped all my web graphics and have a lot done towards reopening, but the fact that my job situation is so up in the air right now has me waiting. Stay tuned.
Item 8- Start sketching again.
This one was my first attempt at drawing in over a decade. My apologies to
anyone uncomfortable with the partial nudity, LOL
Back when I was a sophomore at the U of I, I was riding the bus to class one
rainy morning and we stopped to pick up passengers. Beside the sidewalk there
were two birds, one obviously dead and the one beside it, beating its wings
furiously. Though I don't know how much emotion animals are capable of feeling,
to me this moment was filled with such anguish and despair. That image has
stayed with me for all of these years. I always said that if I were to
draw again, this would be one of the pieces I would create.
Item 9- Study religion. My good buddy Matt showed up in Champaign recently with a present for me. It seems people DO read my blog, LOL, because the box was full of beautiful leather bound copies of different religious texts-The Koran, The Torah, the Bhagavad Gita, The Dhammapada, the Tao Te Ching and a couple of texts on the Christian faith. I was pretty excited!!! I plan on starting my reading once I’m done throwing both kids’ birthday parties in another month or two and I’m looking forward to my spiritual exploration. My agnostic belief system is strongly based on the fact that I feel there is no one religion and that, if God does exist, he accepts all forms of spirituality. Thus, I feel in order to be truly well rounded, we should be able to see things from all different spiritual points of view. I will be happy when I can acknowledge that I don’t just believe that, but that I also live it.
Note: Yes, I openly admit, I am one of those people who takes pictures just for
their blog. Yes, you can laugh, even make fun if you like. I would if I were
you. ;)
The two go together in a way. I am working on both. They are both very personal journeys for me and neither have been easy. As part of this, I’ve been reading The Four Agreements and its companion books- all of which I highly recommend. They are really fantastic for helping you look at the world in a different way. I may or may not write more about this later. As I said, these have been a bit more personal.
Item 12- Maintain the outside...
My goal to maintain my exterior as well as my interior, though somewhat narcissistic in nature, was one of my goals nonetheless. I could say that as a strong woman and a strong supporter of the idea that women should not give into the societal/ media inspired ideals and pressures of perfection, I shun the entire notion of outward improvement. I DO embrace the beauty in all women no matter what shape, size or age she may be. I absolutely do. But, I will also admit, I fall prey to vanity. And thus, I made looking good one of my goals. I won’t deny it and I won’t apologize for it. If I want to look good, then that’s my right as a woman. On that note, I will say the process itself is going quite well. My goal was to get in shape and make 30 look good. Since I posted my 30 list, I’ve lost nearly 20lbs and my dance class has helped tone me up a bit as well. I don’t get out of breath as easily and I’m fitting into sizes I haven’t worn since high school. Call it vanity, call it pride, call it what you want- but I’m happier with my body now than I have been in all of my life and I sure as heck can’t complain about that!
On a final note, I’m adding one additional item to my 30 List.
So that’s it, my update for now. I plan to keep on progressing on the items I’ve started on thus far and also to start thinking about those I haven’t. Maybe in another month or so I’ll have another update for you. J
Getting Started on my 30 List
My 30th birthday is now less than a month away. I'm actually looking forward to it. I've been thinking and saying "I'm almost 30" for almost a year now, so screw this almost thing, I'm ready to be there. Bring on my 30's.
My 30 List was created as a way to get myself to step outside the box; to do a few things in my life that I normally wouldn't for one reason or another. I figured I'd start with some of the easy ones first and work my way up. Number 3 on the list was to take a belly dancing class. I recruited my friend Andrea as my partner in crime for this one. No one else had the balls, lol. The class officially starts this Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to it. Things have been a bit crazy in my life lately and it will be nice to do something fun that can help me laugh and blow off a little steam. I'll take my camera and take pics. Then you can laugh at us too. ;) Look forward to that.
The 30 List
With 30 looming on the horizon, I'm creating for myself what I call my "30 List". Somewhat like the Bucket List, but instead of being things to do before I die, they are things to do so that I can truly live. I've always believed in living passionately, in following your dreams and doing what you love; in living without regrets. But somewhere along the road to adulthood, I lost that and fell into the humdrum pattern of grown up life. I find myself going through the motions, but not really living; looking forward to the next day while not doing anything to truly enjoy the current one. Life has gotten so hectic that it seems it's all I can do just to keep up. But life should not just be about keeping up. When you suddenly realize that 1/3 of your life is gone and all you did was try to keep up with it- well that's just depressing.
So I set about examining the way that I was living my life and what things in it were holding me back from being truly happy. What were my fears, my insecurities, what things were preventing me from being me? I recently read a book by Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements, which teaches you four life philosophies to follow in order to live your life to the fullest. They were simple tenants, yet not as simple to follow.
Be true in all that you say.
Do not take what others say personally.
Do not make assumptions.
Do your best in all that you do.
It teaches that we all see our life based on the things that have been told to us by others and our assumptions as to what those things mean. We adjust our view of ourselves and our lives based on this picture we create, rather than our internal knowledge of ourself and our abilities. In following the four agreements, you are taught how to shrug off the picture you have built based on others' perceptions and build your own, thus allowing you to be yourself, to love and live life without fear of rejection and without the internal punishment for things outside of our control. That's just a tiny synopsis and I really think everyone should read the book to see what it's really like. It is pretty eye opening.
But back on topic- The 30 List. I examined my life and looked at what assumptions I'd made, what fears and insecurities I had and then I based my 30 List off of this, doing things that would help to contradict those feelings.
So what is on my list? Well, it's not done yet, because like life, it is a work in progress. But for my 30th year of life, I plan on ridding myself of some of the ideas that have held me back little by little over the years. So, in no particular order of importance...
Item 1- Walk across a bridge. Seemingly simple, yes. But for me it represents conquering a lifetime of irrational fear. I have, for as long as I can remember, had a fear of bridges. When we have to cross one, my mind does a quick mental checklist of what I would do first if somehow something were to happen. It's become an almost unconscious response. And it's so strong that during one of my family vacations where we visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, I refused to walk over it, riding the aerial tram across instead. Truly a perfect representation of how irrational my fear is- I'd rather ride in a little box hanging on a wire over a thousand feet above the canyon floor than cross over a nice, sturdy bridge. And so, this year, I'm going to walk across a bridge. It seems like a small, simple thing, but for me it is taking a 30 year old fear and putting it in its place.
Item 2- Give blood. I have always had a fear of needles. I cannot look as they take my blood, especially not while they're inserting the needle. I pass out instantly. Because of this, I've never given blood. I consider the act to be something everyone should do. One small way we can give and really help others without hardly any self sacrifice. But I've always made excuses to keep myself from doing it because of my fear of needles. This year I plan on giving blood and not just once. I'm going to do it until I can look over at the needle in my arm and not pass out. I find it absolutely ridiculous that I've given birth twice but am afraid to give blood. Silly. And so this year I'm going to do it.
Item 3- Take a belly dancing class. This one I want to do for multiple reasons. First off, I've always thought it would be really fun, but I've never had the guts to do it. Second, it's an expression of femininity and sensuality, which this tired mommy could use. And third, because I'm the type of person that is nervous about doing anything in front of others, this would force me out of my shy little corner.
Item 4- Volunteer. I really shouldn't even need a reason for this one. It's something we all should do. Though life isn't always easy for any of us, we all need to remember that there are people out there who are not as lucky as we are and time is something that we can all give.
Item 5- Go skydiving. I think this is one of those items that appears on most people's list when they think of things to do to celebrate the aging process. Nothing makes you feel younger than doing something a little crazy and stupid. Of course, tandem diving is totally safe, but I'm guessing it feels no less frightening to the first time jumper. There was a time in my life when I was afraid of virtually nothing. I gave my parents a good deal of their gray hair by scaling up and down the faces of rocks and I even defied my own fear of drowning by going white water rafting (something I'd love to do again, though the idea frightens me more now than it did then). But as I got older and the realization of my mortality set in, I lost that attitude. I'm sure part of that is nature's preservation process. If we all were in risk taking mode forever, our lifespan would definitely decrease. But at least we'd be getting the most out of life.
Item 6- Reopen Floresco. It was a giant leap of faith for me when I opened my little business in 2006. Putting myself out there to be judged was not something I did easily. But amazingly, it worked out. My business did well and my customers loved the work. I finally felt like I was doing something I loved and could be proud of. And taking that chance, putting myself and my ego on the line and then succeeding was a huge boost for my confidence. A reminder that we can all have what we want in life if we really try. When I became pregnant with Zoey I decided to temporarily close up shop. The exhaustion that comes along with pregnancy and having a 2 year old and a full time job made it near impossible to keep up and I felt like my orders were taking longer to produce and I was enjoying what I did less. I knew then it was time to take a break and make a point to spend more time with my family. I don't regret that decision at all. But now I have a lot of work to do to get my business up and going again and with my life busier than ever, it will be hard to find the time. Yet I feel like if I do not reopen Floresco, I'll be letting go of a dream that I worked so hard to achieve in the first place. So my goal is to reopen for business in late spring. Fingers crossed that it happens!
Item 7- Do karaoke sober. I'm admittedly terrified of singing in front of others. TERRIFIED. I love to sing and though I'm not horrible at it, the only time I've ever been goaded into doing karaoke is when I've been drinking. So with the thought of every fear that I conquer being a step towards a stronger me, I'm thinking this should be something I do.
Item 8- Start sketching again. I used to love to draw and would spend hours pencil in hand creating. Unfortunately, after a year as an art student and the styles of my various professors being forced upon me, I turned away from the pursuit completely. It was probably 5 years before I picked up a pencil again and I've never sat down and created as I once did. Now that I'm almost done with my craft room and have a beautiful space to work in and an easel which I bought shortly after my college graduation in 2002, I figured it's high time I pick myself up some charcoal and get back to doing what I love. If life is about living passionately, then we should do the things which inspire us and bring passion into our lives.
Item 9- Study religion. I've written in the past about my agnostic beliefs as far as faith is concerned and how I'd like to study the different aspects of spirituality and religion. I continue to seek a greater understanding of religion, to further understand not just the psychology and the history behind it, but also to increase my own spiritual connection.
Item 10- Let go. There are many experiences in my past, both recent and long ago, which continue to affect the way I see myself and as a result, the way I live my life. This year I plan to let things go. It seems so simple to say, but is incredibly difficult to do. The things from long ago have molded my personality; have created aspects of me as I am today. However, they are not positive aspects, and so I know that I have to let them go. The more recent things simply prevent me from realizing what a great life I already have.
Miguel Ruiz said that we need to examine what things in our life that have lead to the fears and insecurities we feel and what social masks we wear to protect ourselves. Then imagine what it would be like if we were to remove those masks. Who would we be? What more could we achieve if we were to truly live life as we wished. Face life with heart open and no longer fear rejection. We can have that if we are able to let go of the things that have made us wear those masks. So this year will be about closure and letting go of the things in my life that have kept me from growing and from living life to the fullest. This may be the hardest item on the list and will most likely take much longer than my 30th year of life to achieve. But if I can do it, it will be well worth the work.
Item 11- Go after what I want. Along with letting go, there is also the need to go after the things that I want in life. This goal is something that I plan on keeping throughout the rest of my life. I used to believe that you could have whatever it was in life that you wanted, so long as you worked hard enough for it. This belief was subsequently crushed by the real world and my not getting what I wanted time and time again. But looking back, I feel like I simply gave up too easily on things. I took one failure and let that tell me I couldn’t have what I wanted, rather than taking it as a challenge. We cannot always get what we want so easily. The key lies in the words “so long as you work hard for it”. Giving up at the first rejection is NOT working for it. If we really want something, we have to be willing to try, to face rejection head on and then try again. If we truly want something bad enough, we should be willing to face whatever the universe throws our way in order to get it.
Item 12- Maintain the outside as well as the inside. I looked in the mirror about 3 months ago and the girl I saw there LOOKED like she should be turning 30- tired, frumpy and all together lackluster. The stereotypical harried mother. Dark circles under my eyes, sweat pants and a ponytail, glasses and no makeup, post-pregnancy pudge.... this is NOT the girl I used to be!! Man, the things children do to you!! So I immediately resolved to make sure when I turned 30 that I looked good doing it. I wasn't going to fall into the parenthood trap of wearing whatever was at the top of the laundry basket and not caring what I looked like. No way. I know, it sounds horribly vain. But consider this- There is a part of us that judges our entire being based on what we see each time we walk past the mirror. Like it or not, this is true. And each time I passed by that mirror and saw myself, a little bit more of my self-esteem took a hit.
And so this one I decided to start working on right away. Of all the others, I figured this one would be the most simple to fix. Outside stuff is easy, right? Well, sort of. It definitely has required a bit more maintenance of self than I’d been accustomed to since becoming a mom. I had to really focus on avoiding emotional eating (stress reduction = ice cream was a philosophy I had to put to rest) and on becoming healthy. I made a point of not just doing the bare minimum of what I had to each morning before work to avoid looking like hell. Heck, I even started shaving my legs on a regular basis!!! You laugh, but ask all the moms out there- how often do you shave? I’m guessing the days between, especially during the winter, are awfully high. After all, who has time to take care of themselves while trying to maintain an entire family? I found that it was actually possible, but it meant giving up an extra 40 minutes or so of my evenings each night. At first I wasn’t too thrilled at this idea, but once I finally started walking past the mirror and liking what I saw again, I figured that time was well worth it.
My goal on this one now is to get my behind back on the treadmill and get a little more exercise. Not that battling my three year old with light sabers in his latest storyline of good vs. evil or killing my back while holding the hands of my walking 8 month old aren’t exercise. I would just like to be able to walk up the stairs to my office without finding myself out of breath.
And so, for now, that is my 30 List. Like I said before, it is a work in progress, much like my life. The examination, understanding and growth of one’s self is never ending and my list will grow and change as I do. The important step is in moving towards living and away from that which holds us back. Here’s to turning 30. Cheers!
